a fairytale moment---"we danced"

lose yourself to the magic of love music...

cheers!! ;)

cryptic thoughts #28

Getting what you 'think' you want, might not always be such a great thing..fulfilled dreams usually come with a lot of strings attached!!

of colossal lies & modest goodbyes...

lies--it was funny how he would keep holding on to them.
sometimes she would wonder if he had forgotten what she had told him right at the beginning...
that all she wanted was the truth...that all she expected from him was to never lie to her...
that betrayal of trust was the only thing that could shatter her completely and break her off from him forever.

He knew how much she hated lies and yet, there was something which made him hang on to them.

Chances---chances are all she had kept offering.
Every lie he spoke, she smiled to herself with a tinge of sadness in her heart..'
Sometimes it made her wonder if he could be challenging her intelligence--because soon he even stopped weaving them well.
They had become more of a casual yarn thrown in her face, loose at ends, torn at the seams.
and that had made her wonder what kinda fool he must be thinking her to be---a fool in love?

At times, she was afraid that she would get used to this game he was playing..this game of make believe.
She was afraid of getting so used to these lies--she feared that perhapss she wouldn't know how to handle the truth when it came from him..
"and frankly is it not a lie in turn when i pretend not to see through them?" she would ask herself time and again.
It was this truth that would often keep her awake at night, staring at the ceiling wondering where exactly they had reached..
Why was she accepting something she hated so much---just because it was now a part of him--the man she loved?

She would often reason with herself in futility that these were small little things that she was overreacting about--maybe betrayal was too huge a word for these little white lies that he kept coming up with..
but the fact that this might have been just the beginning of the ugly end would gnaw at her mind and manage to steal whatever little peace remaining..

He probably realised the pain in her eyes every time she asked him for explanations..
but what he never realised was that every time he thought she believed him, it was actually just another chance to make things right.
A chance to start over new...
A chance not taken--as he continued to defend himself with another lie that she managed to see right through and yet pretended not to---just like always.

"Why??!!" she often asked herself..
because she did not have the heart to ask him this.

"You think i believe you.have blind faith in you..well, i did...not so long ago!!" she mumbled to herself as she felt a sense of numbness sweep over her.

She was tired now..tired of playing the fool hoping that someday he would feel guilty and come up with the truth.
that someday he would fall out of love with this game of deception that she had decided to let him play, thinking he would outgrow it on his own someday..

...that someday, he would realise she knew...always knew!!

looney tunes

I, pri, in my lifetime so far, have had the oppurtunity to talk to many a lunatics---some institutionalised (just in case you are wondering, they weren't my inmates.In my defense, i must tell you that i have worked as a resident doctor in a psychiatry institute and hence the experience) and some who were not (the world is no less than an asylum, innit?)

Anyhow, coming to the point of the post, here is an excerpt from an online conversation i recently had with one such non-institutionalised lunatic friend.
Please note---In case i dont live to see the light of day after this, please know that it was a MURDER!! *looks around nervously*
---------------------------------------------------
(me logs in)
me: YO!!!!!!
friend: whoaa!! you scared me
me: tht's nothing
i can rotate my head 360 degrees as well
haven't you seen me in 'the exorcist'?
friend: dat ws YOU??
9:24 AM
me: u dint know??!!!!!!!
:o
friend: damn! i should have..you looked so natural!
me: huh? whatever do you mean by 'looked'? i WAS NATURAL!
it was a 'no makeup thingy'
9:25 AM
friend: you dont need rear-views in ur car den
me: who said i have them?
you arn't the only genius around, you know...i got there first!! *does a quick victory dance*
9:26 AM
me: infact i dont even need a car most of the time...its only those days when i dont feel like flying..otherwise the broom usually manages that.
friend: on ur broomstck?
me: duh!
wasn't tht obvious?
friend: ya ya
9:27 AM
friend: so you go out on nites den?
me: hellooo...i need my beauty sleep u know
or how else am i supposed to manage such killer looks
i fly during THE DAY!!
friend: hmmmm..
9:28 AM
friend: u must be giving d poor birds a heart attack
me: nawww...the pet vultures manage all the small stuff
im IMPORTANT!
9:29 AM
friend: n they must be the ones bringin u your supper
me: well, i usually pick on dumb humans and chew off their brains on gtalk
friend: or do u prefer human food??
me: ohh wait, correction --dumb humans who are too excited to even read wht is typed
friend: got it got it
me: phew...finally!!!
9:30 AM
friend: u dint like my brains?
they still r thre
they taste awful dont they
me: they are??
man!! seems like i missed them ...for nothing!
i should use my microscope next time
friend: oh yes
what ws i thnking?
me: ok ok enuf of crazy talk..im bored!
:-/
friend: phew
u r bored of battering me down?
thngs have chnged
me: did i do that? when? how? why?
friend: hmmm
thngs reallly have chnged
9:32 AM
me: hmmm...really? i dont like changes
unless they are pleasant ones ofcourse
but you know uncle murphy, always howering around making sure they most often never are...so there!
neverthless, you got any pleasant changes for me?
9:33 AM
friend: yes, am back online
me: *all eager waiting with bated breath*
friend: dats a change
me: i repeat
u got any pleasant changes for me?
and stop trying to change the topic like that
:-/
friend: mmm... nope
9:34 AM
me: yea...shud have known
BORRIINNGG!!
:-/
i think i shud buy a vacuum cleaner..im getting bored of flying on the broomstick
hmmmm
9:35 AM
friend: I HAVE NO IDEA AT ALL !
me: that way i could fly faster and disappear to haunt interesting humans instead.
what say?
and DONT U DARE YELl AT ME!
friend: never tried...have been walking since the day i was born
me: *yawn*..nvm!
i gottago..im sleepy.
friend: ok.hope i dont see u again.
me: HAH!! as if your hopes have ever been fulfilled.
over and out!! :D
friend: over and out!!
------------------------------------------------------------------
(me logs out)
(friend logs out)
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Frankly i share this kind of comfort level with only a very few friends.
these are the kind of friends, you know you can talk to even on the toughest days without the fear of hurting them with the hatred you have developed for the world.
these are the kind if friends that can make your troubles seem light even without actually knowing any details, who do not mind being your punching bag at times, because they know you would do the same for them..
they understand you, irritate you, irk you, pester you and love you all the same.
they are not the prim & proper agony aunts (read 'shrink') who make you lie on the couch and offer advice in 30 mins sessions..not at all!!
rather they are more of the "shaddup and get over it" types, who try to distract you off your woes by telling you how silly you look crying.

So sharp is their sarcasm and mock hatred towards you, that you forget what you are sulking about and get engaged in their cynical battle of wits, instead.

While most people are just too normal to tolerate my twisted sense of humour, (their loss i say), these necessary evils, are the few blessed souls who share my insanity and respect it and im thankful to life for them *makes a straight face*

To sum it all--no cliched sentiments...no pleasantries..no candyfloss conversations.
and yet i cant help but say---"tu hain toh il'l be alright" :)

Im honoured that blogjunta.com has selected my post as their editors choice..thankyou!!

deja vu, maybe!!

a different place...

unfamiliar paths...

unknown people....

and yet, something feels like home..very much like home!!

Perhaps i have been here before, in my dreams...perhaps...

crossed these same roads...

smiled at these same faces...

stopped at the same halts...

and yet, those broken pieces win clear over this flaw'less' reality!!

Everything is exactly the same...except...

Once upon a time...

"We've gone our own ways and I know its for the best, but sometimes I wonder will I ever have a friend like you again?"

A long time ago, i had written a post for someone---honest to the core and true to the T.
This someone was and hopefully still is, a very good friend..one who does not read 'nostalgic moments' much nowadays though.
So anyhow, as i was saying, the post i had written was and will always remain one very close to my heart.
I had preferred not disclosing any name there but every single line of that post was inspired by him, on how much i valued his friendship.
Much to my surprise, i received an sms that very same evening asking me point blank if it was him that i was talking of, in the article.

Its weird isn't it how we take so much care to wrap up things in loads of coloured paper and how it is always exactly that someone whom we are hiding it from, that comes and sees right through it?
It is somewhat like you are trying to conceal a zit with loads of makeup on your face and someone who you least want to notice it, walks right up to you and casually points it out asking "heyy is that a pimple?"

I remember how flustered it had got me.
Clueless how to react, i'd wondered on whether i should reply or not.
not replying would just confirm his doubt and the idiot would realise how much our friendship meant to me.
so as usual i'd laughed it away with dry humour telling him he was not that important.
Conversations were a daily part of our life back then--a routine..and the post was pretty much about the same.
Infact, thinking of it, i do not even recall what it was that had made me lie.
Was it the embarrassment of writing about a friendship which i feared might have been much too random to him than to me?
or was it the fear of complicating things and creating hurtful misunderstandings due to what might have been a few carelessly thrown unintentional literary exaggerations?

What was it that had made me hide behind that cover of undisclosed writing which for the first time, i wasn't prepared to take responsibility of explaining?

Today, i stumbled upon that post again---looking at me as if with a sense of betrayal, and got transported back to those times.
Today, life is no longer the same.We hardly catch up on friendly banter nowadays.
We are much too caught up with our own lives, fighting our own battles.
I though, sometimes still search for the reason i ran away from confronting his question that day.
and even today, i find myself with no answer.

All i know is that there is still that something which keeps me away from pressing the 'send' option on my cellphone screen.

...and the text gets saved in my draft folder yet again "that post i had written--it was you i was talking about :)"

As life goes on, some friendships fade for no apparent reason!!

Her story

Disclaimer---the story below is purely just another work of fiction.

She would still wake up drenched in cold sweat every night.she had tried repressing the memory but it would just not cease to haunt her.
somewhere in one corner of her mind, he had etched a permanent place--a place which she refused to let anyone take..
It was like as if he had carved his niche..as if he had reached an unattainable target, a pedestal and then one day, just disappeared, making everyone else seem so inadequate.
It was not that she was perfect..nor did she expect things way out of league.
Infact she did not even know what she expected from life most of the times.People who knew just this side of her thought of her as undecisive..as someone who always quit too early.
some thought she could not ever make up her mind about anything.

"Why did you have to be so perfect?" she would often ask crying, searching through the darkness of the pitch black night for an answer.
She had tried forgetting him.she had tried moving on.But every time someone tried to fit in the cast, the void just grew deeper..as she realised that it was irreplaceable.
and then she'd feel guilty.
"what right do i have to compare? and is it fair to compare someone to you?"
She knew he had moved on..she could never reach him.

but she----she still struggled to find pieces of him in every special person trying to enter her life, until a point where she gave up because she realised that they could never make her feel as special....as special as he did!

Why did he have to leave?
She remembered not wanting to wake up.She would lie in bed hoping that he would surprise her with a weekend visit.
She waited endlessly for his call.
Even now, she would rush to answer the landline hoping it would be him.

She had given up on letting the memories ever fading away...given up on making herself believe that he never existed....given up on blaming him for that one drastic event which had ripped her life apart.

Some blamed the drunk driver who did not see him coming.
Some claimed the brakes had failed.
Whatever might have had been the reason, it was her life which had been put on hold since that fateful day.

They said she was lucky not to have been with him during the accident.What they weren't able to see was how much she had wished she was.

life had lost its reason..and all she was waiting for now was that one meeting which was still pending---perhaps in another world..a world she looked forward to enter...
..
.....
..........
............
..................
because she believed!!

...True love stories begin in one life and continue in the next...

circle of life

As i watched the happy faces of the kids on the merry-go-round, it made me wonder--is going around in circles always this much fun??

Life is pretty much like the carousel most of the times.
Its just that we keep forgetting that its an amusement park that we are in.
Its just that we complicate the carousel ride with a lot of unnecessary details.
Its just that we keep moving three steps ahead and two steps behind in the whole damn process.

Job pursuits, career aspects, the constant search for happ(y)ness, the idea of a perfect relationship---they keep eluding us all the time and most often, we as humans, keep missing out on the thrill of the chase in the hope of the destination.

Consider ourselves in any situation---
we fall by fate or destiny, unaware of what lies ahead...
we stumble on chances...
we brace ourselves...
we enter at our own risk...
we tread with caution...
we walk with dreams in our head...
we stomp with new found confidence...
we twist to adjust to circumstances...
we jog to reach a little faster...
we turn when faced with crisis..
we skip a step to avoid confrontation...
we sprint as we reach closer...
we pause to then contemplate on what we really want...
we squirm as we realise how much we have lost out on...
we hide for we feel the need of time on our own...
we flee to escape from everything for a while...
we zoom past the journey in hindsight...
we fly as we realise the joy we had experienced...
we soar in the pride of what once was...
we fear we might have lost it all...
and then we fall..again
only to find ourselves back to exactly where we started...

My chain of thoughts was interrupted as i saw a five year old scampering for yet another turn on the merry-go-round, squealing with joy, as it started revolving again.

I watched the happy faces of the kids on the ride and couldn't help but smile at their innocent free spirited attitude.
On the way back home, i searched the streets in the hope of spotting the same kind of enthusiasm in atleast one person around me.
but all i could see were the tired grownup faces running silly in this race of life...

I guess, some games change their meaning over time.
I guess, circles do not allow us to move ahead--they just keep getting us back to the starting point.

but life, like they say, whether we like it or not, always comes full circle!! :)