September 29, 2010

i know why the caged bird sings---by Maya Angelou

The free bird leaps
on the back of the win
and floats downstream
till the current ends
and dips his wings
in the orange sun rays
and dares to claim the sky.

But a bird that stalks
down his narrow cage
can seldom see through
his bars of rage
his wings are clipped and
his feet are tied
so he opens his throat to sing.

The caged bird sings
with fearful trill
of the things unknown
but longed for still
and its tune is heard
on the distant hill
for the caged bird
sings of freedom

The free bird thinks of another breeze
an the trade winds soft through the sighing trees
and the fat worms waiting on a dawn-bright lawn
and he names the sky his own.

But a caged bird stands on the grave of dreams
his shadow shouts on a nightmare scream
his wings are clipped and his feet are tied
so he opens his throat to sing

The caged bird sings
with a fearful trill
of things unknown
but longed for still
and his tune is heard
on the distant hill
for the caged bird
sings of freedom.

---Maya Angelou

September 23, 2010

the misunderstood phoenix...

a strange sort of calmness envelopes her mind today...she cannot comprehend what it exactly is..nor can she say where exactly it is coming from..she does not even know why she is suddenly feeling this way..probably the happenings over the past so many days are finally taking a toll on her in this one mysterious way..but who is she to complain?

it is as if the mind is a clean slate with absolutely no regret of any kind on it..
all of a sudden, all the scribbles of hurt and pain are being washed away as if by a single clean sweep of magic.
She is experiencing a state of oblivion..and she has realised this time its going to last a while...because this time around, it feels like the whole world--although in a not so right way--has been helping her attain it.

selfish?? maybe!! but she seriously has had enough of trying to understand those who matter and still made to feel like it was her fault to expect the same..
how tough was it to understand that she is human too?? she has expectations too and when they are shattered, it hurts..
it pains her too when she is ignored, shunned and taken for granted..
she bleeds too when her words are misunderstood and misjudged..

and life has never been kind..
she's had to feel the muffled screams of her feelings when they were harshly made to choke to death..
she's had to face the winter she was thrown in when it was freezing cold...
she's had to hear the blunt use of carelessly hurled words which cut her deeper than the sharpest of knives...
she's had to see the closest of relations ripped apart and disposed off like chunks of rotten defunct garbage...
and then again, the good is hardly remembered..its always the mistakes that are never forgotten!

she is aware these moments will never completely disappear...each day after today, they will come back to her in bits and pieces--but the only difference is that it will not hurt anymore..she will no longer feel the warmth of tears running down her cheeks!

she is done with crying a thousand tears..she is done with dying a million deaths...she is done with having to be the only one who has to understand every single time...she is done with having to hear that she hasn't tried enough..

today, she has made a firm decision to start all over again..but this time around, she is keeping her ashes!!

(sidenote to readers: comments to this post have been disabled for obvious please do not try to reach out to me regarding any of this--as this is just a much needed vent out, for me to get over and you to keep quiet about)

love on cloud 9

Sneha stared at the envelope.Rahul had asked her to open it only after he left the country.
He did not know her reaction and had it been a 'no', he knew it would crumble him and he did not want the last few days of his stay to be uneasy, uncomfortable and most of all painful.
But now that he was leaving, he wanted an excuse to come back as soon as excuse to see her smiling face...listen to her chirpy voice and spend time with her.
'naah' he thought 'spend his entire life with her'--the thought made him smile...but he dint know her answer and that is what scared him at times.
What if she just disposed off this proposal saying that she wasn't sure of her feelings just as yet.
Afterall she'd done that before when he in his own way had dropped her a subtle hint.
The thought made his smile disappear and a sudden fear reflected in his eyes--fear of the unknown...fear of rejection...fear of having to wait...maybe for months, years...or perhaps maybe for a lifetime.


Sneha sat on her bed holding the closed envelope in hand.
The day was approaching.Soon she would have to give her answer.
She knew what the note in it would have to say.Rahul always did tht---'things wch cant be said should be written, but somehow they just have to get across..its not fair otherwise' he'd always say.
Sneha knew that was true.She appreciated his honesty though sometimes she couldn't help wishing he wasn't so honest about his feelings.

There was something about him she liked a lot...the way he smiled at her...the way he would put aside everything, however important it was if she was upset...the way he picked up that fight with the stranger on the road for staring hard at her, much to her and her friends embarrassment...the subtle compliments he gave her making her blush..the way she could be herself with him knowing he wouldn't mind at all and would only pamper her all the more.
and there was this consolation that he knew everything about would be easy--spending a life with him.
Infact they already were doing tht to some extent.He helped her through everything.They had been there for each other all the time---inseparable buddies!

She liked the way he had changed her into a stronger person and yet retained the innocence in her..She liked the fact that he knew exactly how to make her laugh without making her dependant on him to smile at the world.
She liked the way she knew everything about him and yet he would always want to tell her more feeling she dint know enough...and somehow he was never afraid of confessing what he really felt.
She loved his honesty...his frankness..the way he would yell at her if she did something stupid...his passion for his work and yet his amazing time management...but was all that enough to call it love?? enough to mend and give away a brutally broken heart to someone else??

She hated herself for the times she had subtly declined him..would this be yet another of those times?.
It hurt her to think of it but then she just couldn't give an easy answer.The moment she tried to, there were tears flowing down her cheek which blurred everything.
She always believed in 'never marry someone you can live with.marry someone you cannot live without'
was it too early? how could she be sure she was over her past yet?
After all she hadn't completely forgotten the story that had brutally ended breaking her heart into a thousand pieces with a single blow.It kept popping in her mind time and time again--the story which had made her stop believe in love and relationships...the story she was not sure if she could ever forgive but was hell sure she would never forget--never forget the bitterness it had left in her...the hurt...the emotional baggage she carried from it!
Rahul was aware about all this.
but he hoped it would change...and she?? she no longer knew what to hope for.

but that one day at the airport changed everything!

Her flight had been postponed.
As she waited patiently, there were a thousand thoughts goin on in her head...'why did i take tht envelope? I know what the letter contains.then why couldn't i just leave it behind and then say that i forgot to take it with me while leaving? what am i going to say? would it be hurting him yet another time?? What is it that hurts me so bad to hurt him? is it just friendship or....?? but isn't it too early?? am i sure enough for a commitment?'-an entire whirlpool of questions rising up--voices in her head screaming at her asking her what she really wanted.
and yet she had just one reply 'i don't know'...

Enraptured in a trance she moved towards a nearby cafe to grab a bite.
There were still two hours for the flight.
She was tired..the afternoon heat was killing her ...and so were the voices in her head.

'watch where you going lady' said a rude voice as she absentmindedly bumped into someone standing,back towards her.
'im soo sorry' she said as she bent over to lift up her bag wch had flung itsself on the floor.
Carelessly tucking the loose strand of hair behind her ear she picked up her bag and rose with a half apologetic half angry look on her face to greet the grinning face of someone .... very familiar...

2 years...

two long blasted years had passed and nothing much had changed and yet strangely everything had.
HE was standing there--amit---the same grinning face as she'd seen him last..the unkempt look which she once adored...the crumpled shirt, the messed up hair...all the same
but the softness in his eyes had disappeared on seeing her.somehow it was replaced by a cold surprised stare.

She stared back at him surprised at fate for crossing their path again.
She said nothing...
she could only keep staring as his grin disappeared on seeing her.He suddenly became pale as if he'd seen a ghost...conscious of his surroundings...his friends around.
She couldn't help but stare at the reaction as she walked by without uttering a word.
She dint want him to be uneasy.
She dint want to interfere...yes, that was the word---INTERFERENCE...
'you know her from somewhere??' the girl next to him asked in an almost posessive tone, noticing the beads of perspiration on his forehead.
'no i don't.have never seen her before in my life' she heard him say almost instantly as his friends continued on with their bantering.

Sneha headed back to the airport...suddenly she didn't feel hungry anymore.
She wiped the tears flowing down her cheek as the voices in her head disappeared one by one.
But somewhere within she was happy...perhaps this one last blow was needed and it had come right on time.

As she boarded the plane, she knew that this was the last time she was crying.
The flight took off and she felt a strange sorta heaviness leave her.

Today she was no longer thinking of those past two years without 'the one she was always crying over' but was thinking about those same 2yrs with the wonderful times she had spent with someone who loved her like crazy..who had won the heart of family and friends because he knew they mattered...who was ready to wait for her answer till the end of time...who she had been overlooking as a friend all this while for someone who dint even want to acknowledge her as one.

She searched her purse for the envelope and read the letter.
She smiled...that guy always swept her off her feet with his words...and today she was not going to hold herself back.

sometimes it takes years to realise something while sometimes it could happen in a matter of seconds...somehow you always seem not to realise something only until you refuse to realise it...

For the first time, she was looking forward to answer THE question...

...and right there amidst the clouds, she rose in love!!

September 22, 2010

life---a journey!!

life is just a journey,
and we--tired fellow travellers...
meeting each other at bends and crossroads...
each a different path may have to choose,
but eventually all of us end at a common destination...

some might take years to reach there,
while others might reach in a jiffy...
each may take a different route,
cos nobody knows which one is right...

somewhere a common patterm we relate to,
sometimes a common link we might find...
somehow each one of us is bound,
by a blurry web of faith and deceit...

we find ourselves walking hand in hand,
only to leave each other astray around a bend....
cos we afterall are merely fellow travellers...
with a common destination but different roadmaps..
and what lies ahead is an unsolved mystery!!

"Baithe Baithe Aise Kaise Koi,
Rasta Naya Sa Mile...
Tu Bhi Chale Mein Bhi Chalu,
Honge Kam Yeh Tabhi Faasle!!"

September 20, 2010

of a beautiful song and an ugly question...

this song has been constantly playing on my ipod since the last two days..there is something about it which makes me want to play it over and over again...
whether its the hope in the lyrics or the irony---i really dont know!

Dhundhla jaayein jo manzilein
Ik pal ko tu nazar jhuka
Jhuk jaaye sar jahan wahi
Milta hai rab ka raasta
Teri kismat tu badal de
Rakh himmat bus chal de
Tere saathi mere kadmon ke hain nishaan
Tu na jaane aas pass hain khuda
tu na jaane aas paas hain khuda

Tu na jaane aas pass hain khuda
tu na jaane aas paas hain khuda

Khud pe daal tu nazar
Haalaton se haar kar
Kahan chala re
Haath ki lakeer ko
Modhta marodta
Hain hausla re
Toh khud tere khwabon ke rang mein
Tu apne jahan ko bhi rang de
Ke chalta hoon mein tere sang mein
Ho shaam bhi toh kya
Jab hoga andhera
Tab paayega dar mera
Uss dar pe phir hogi teri subah

Tu na jaane aas pass hai khuda
Tu na jaane aas pass hai khuda

mit jaate hain sabke nishaan
bas ek woh mitta nahi..hayee
maan le jo har mushkil ko marzi meri hayeee
ho humsafar na tera jab koi
saaya mera rahega tab wahin
tujhse kabhi na ek pal bhi main juda...

tu na jaane aas paas hain khuda
tu na jaane aas paas khuda
tu na jaane aas paas hain khuda
tu na jaane aas paas hain khuda

after hearing the song all day and appreciating its lyrics, there was still a small empty part of my soul which couldn't help but look towards the sky and ask---"agar aap aas paas ho, toh sab kuch dekhkar bhi undekha kyon karte ho??"

September 16, 2010

cryptic thoughts #18

sometimes, being blessed with a great memory is the saddest thing that can ever happen to someone
remembering the good times stops you from moving ahead..and recollecting the bad, from going back...

and there is nothing which feels more suffocating than being stuck like that---somewhere in the middle, between everything and nothing!!

September 15, 2010

cryptic thoughts #17

in the first place, most of the choices life has asked me to make have not been 'choices' at all...

and i think i can no longer expect anyone to understand that--atleast not the ones who matter!!

September 13, 2010

drawing lines...

let us draw a line today---you and me...

between friendship and love...
between fondness and weakness...
between infatuation and obsession...
between leaning in and depending on...
between strong faith and blind belief...
between our casual confessions and our deepest secrets...
between leisure and habit...
between pleasure and addiction...
between familiarity and monotony...
between facts and assumptions...
between our destiny and reality...
between today and forever...

let us draw a line today,
and decide for ourselves how thick or thin it should be..

September 11, 2010


my listless mind meanders, tempting me yet again!!!

i am tempted to ease all your pain,
am tempted to fall once again...
am tempted to start over new,
just tempted to be with you...

and as each day goes floating by,
this temptation brings another why,
a why with no explanation to give,
a why with which i will learn to live...

to answer it is futile an attempt,
yet something wants me to succumb to the tempt...
keeping me away from all temptations new,
why cant it rather stop me from missing you?

just two steps away and i can go back there,
but maybe all has changed and you'd no longer care...
i might not be needed or welcomed ever,
and the price to pay could be misery forever...

something tempts me to go and check,
and yet, im afraid of being called a wreck...
what if im mocked at, insulted and thrown,
again a choice made and again left alone...

i want to be there, yet never be found,
want to stay away, yet always be around...
to be able to slip away so that noone can see,
and yet know you are always with me...

want to watch silently cos i know i care,
as life goes on,though at times dosen't feel fair...
As i wish i could stay and know more about u,
i cant stop wondering if you'd be missing me too...

tempted but doubt if it'd ease the pain,
tempted but afraid to fall once again,
tempted but scared to start over new,
tempted but clueless if you are tempted too...

(this piece was scribbled by me in one of life's vulnerable moments...found the desolate sketch rolled in a crumpled ball of paper, while cleaning one of my drawers today)

September 10, 2010

and we meet again....


sidenote to ganpatibappa: we seriously need to discuss my life and your plan...lets take this up offline, as soon as possible ok?

September 05, 2010

a lost moment--revisited!!

There is a painting on a distant wall...we stare at it long enough and then wonder what details the artist has tried to capture in it...we go closer to appreciate those details..closer...more closer... and then there comes a point where everything appears a blur.. but dreamers like me who are too intrigued ignore the haze and keep going closer trying to build up the clarity believing what we perhaps want to believe....that is when we start seeing a pattern in the blur...a pattern so beautiful that even the artist cannot have had imagined...a pattern which probably is not even meant to exist... dazzled by our own imagination, we continue staring at it...appreciating its beauty more with our heart than with our eyes...until..someone standing at a distance comes up to us and sniggers...we get angry, dare he ridicule us---he who is too blind to see this beautiful pattern!! it is only when we are held by the hand and taken back to where we once stood, that we understand the truth of the situation... viewing the picture from a distance always helps see a clearer image...the picture as it actually is...and then we realise that perhaps the painting isn't as rosy afterall.. ... ....... ........... .............. ................. .................... ....................... .......... ...... ... and that probably it never was!!

September 01, 2010

of complicated stories with happy endings...

dunno why--just felt like posting this today :)