October 30, 2010

the story within...

there is a story in everyone of us...

some are locked never to be opened
some are merely ignored
some are afraid of biased reactions
some shy away from the crowd
some are scared of rejection
some are happy with their clandestine existence
some revel in their privacy
some want to be forgotten
some dont dare to reveal themselves
some too painful to be remembered
some too selfish to be shared
some just prefer to play 'hide and seek'
some wait for the right person to 'tag'

and then there are those stories which are free flowing,

like the breeze which runs through your hair on a windy afternoon..
like the tears which trickle down your cheeks when you are sad...
like the chill which sends shivers down your spine on hearing something scary...
like the cheer in your voice when you are pleased with yourself...
like the rush of happiness you feel when you hug someone you love...
like the pangs of seperation you cant express when you are missing someone special...
like the familiar feeling knocking on your heart when you experience de'ja vu...
like the cherished memories which still visit you from time to time...
like the thoughts which keep you awake even at the end of a long tiring day...
like the experience which transports you back into time when it 'used to be'...
like the dreams which still flash before your eyes when your sleeping...
like the hopes which are long since gone but still not dead...

These stories run freely without any expectation of applause or accolades.
they mingle with the air leaving their beautiful scent wherever they go...
they neither want to be explained nor interpreted..
neither want to questioned nor probed...
neither want to be labelled as facts nor termed as fiction...

Sometimes they are accused of confusing the world..but that doesn't stop them!
"How can someone who is already so confused be confused any further?" is all they ask and disappear knowing that staying there would only kill them slowly and silently..

they are sometimes labelled complicated..thats when they gracefully accept the designated status and leave with mixed feelings of hurt and regret in search of someone who would probably be simple enough only to understand them..
to understand them---as those who try to live despite the thousand odds...as those who wish to fight every demon who comes their way...as those who want to smile even when they are bruised and hurting..

and more importantly as those who are not meant to be ignored or suppressed out of fear or shame but would rather run free and wild with someone who would accept them as they are, without a single care in the world!!

its true---there is a story in everyone of us....


"Life never gives us what we want at the moment that we consider appropriate...." - E.M. Forster, A Passage To India

"Life sometimes gives us what we want at the moment we consider most inappropriate..."-Pri , Nostalgic Moments


October 29, 2010

cryptic thoughts #22

every once in a while, life pulls out an old decision and makes us contemplate whether it was worth making it...that is when we realise that we can only win if we manage to push it successfully away, back again!!
and its during these times that retrospection brings about no good...a moment passed is a moment lost and its futile to yearn for that moment to come our way again..
sometimes, nostalgia brings along a sharp pain which can engulf us if we don't let go of it on time..

but there are also times in life, when we lose and its still okay because after all is said and done--those are those moments, those decisions, that we know are worth losing to--losing our ego..losing our pride...losing ourselves...
it is these moments that we need to go right back and hold onto, hoping its not too late...
regret brings along a sharper pain which can engulf us if we dont hold on to it on time..

what is important is choosing our moments wisely!!

October 27, 2010

of secrets behind lowered eyes

the only reason i donot look into your eyes is because i can see the reflection of my dreams there---the ones that i have been hiding, probably even from myself...

inspired by this wonderful song, playing on my ipod right now---
"jaane kya dhoondhti rehti hai ye aankhe mujh mein,
raakh ke dher mein shola hai na chingaari hai"

October 26, 2010

just a little note...

special people are those who make you feel special...

so here's to "october 2010" ---a terrible month with a few terrible lows which in their own weird way, pointed out to me a few special people in my life who made me feel special and blessed..
thankyou so very much!! :)

October 05, 2010

a rendezvous of a different kind...

I see her every day..but today, she looked different..different from her usual self.
on any other day, i would have overlooked this but perhaps today, i had the time---time to spend with her..time to take notice..

she said nothing and yet there was something about her which told me what exactly she was feeling--as if quietly giving out all the secrets locked in her heart.

the lines on her forehead signified that she had so many questions to ask and yet she had given up on them being answered..
the smile on her lips was sardonical---one which wouldn't quite reach her eyes..

she had a tired look on her face....she looked tired...tired from running...as if to say she was running away from something which was trying hard to keep pace with her.

her droopy eyes said that she hadn't slept last night...maybe last so many nights....and yet there was a strange solace in them which said that she had gotten used to the deliberate self inflicted routine..

she seemed like just another face lost in the crowd..preparing to nurture in herself, enough strength to resist all the blows life had been offering and yet trying to be happy.
she seemed like someone who had discovered life and along with it the fact that it is so difficult to actually 'live'.
she seemed so much of a juvenile who was trying to come out of her world of fairytales but believing that they still exist somewhere.
yet she seemed like a woman who had seen enough to convince herself that life doesn't always come with a 'happily ever after' ending.

she seemed a bit like all of these and yet not enough of any one of them.

i met her again today...we shared an awkward silence--undisturbed..uninterrupted---a silence which said a lot.

i did not want to intervene this time..i just wanted to stand face to face with her and notice...something i had never done before maybe due to lack of time or interest or perhaps both.
is it that i'd moved away...moved apart??
could i in some way, be responsible for this disintegrated personality---her fragmented identity?
have i been neglecting her..ignoring her..avoiding her??
is it just life or am i also responsible for piling up the mess she is in??

Today, i noticed the child in her..the woman in her....the optimist...the pessimist...the fighter...the loser in her..so many shades which had gone unnoticed..

...and it felt as if i had never before in my entire life met her---this stranger in the mirror!!

writers note: wont be around for a while..seems like the stranger in the mirror needs a little of my undivided attention and i think it is my duty to oblige---i owe her that much...
I will be back though and hopefully, sooner than you think!! ;)

the dilemma of a confused heart...

if faced with a choice, whom would you rather choose----someone whose absense has made you shed a million tears or someone whose presence has made you smile a million smiles?

while in the former case--the tears stand in testimony of how vulnerable your heart is to that special someone and hence proof of your love for him, in the latter scenario---the smiles stand as evidence to how happy you can be with that other someone..

so who according to you, does the 'confused' heart really love??

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this post is triggered off by a conversation i had with a friend who is faced with a similar complicated situation in which the guy who had broken up with her has apparently realised and come back in her life...the dilemma ia however, due to this wonderful other guy who managed to become her friend and confidante and get her smiling even during this horrible post breakup phase..
while she is still in love with the ex, a small part of her heart is pulled in another direction---and hence the confusion!!

P.S: this is based on a real life situation and has no correlation whatsoever with "anjaana anjaani" (though we did have the conversation only after watching the movie which she, by the by, ironically found extremely 'filmy' and 'unrealistic'..lol!!)

October 04, 2010

cryptic thoughts #21

It is only sometimes in life that you love someone so much to ever be able to hate, even if the mind comes up with a million excuses..
because deep down, the heart refuses to render any reason strong enough to do so..

when the heart is broken into a thousand pieces, it might stop showing but all the pieces will love just the same!!

October 03, 2010

cryptic thoughts #20

i am beginning to hate the internet...just like it has the capacity to get the world at your fingertips, it is also capable of snatching it right out of your hands---all with only the simple click of a button.

electronic memory badi hi bewafa hoti hain..sometimes one wrong click and you lose out on everything!!

October 02, 2010

unhinged thoughts...

i have stopped walking on rainbows...how can one depend on something that changes with the weather??
i dont like changes...
especially the changes which haunt you all the time..they make me uneasy..
its like enjoying something knowing that it will disappear soon enough..
how do you manage to enjoy something like that? how can you not be afraid of getting too attached?
do we have control over our emotions?
then how do you walk on the rainbow...knowing that it will disappear when it rains and leave you hanging midway?

i'd rather tread on sunshine..
i'd rather befriend the night...
they are much more constant...you know when they are going to come and when they are supposed to leave..
and you know that they are going to be back to greet you after the decided hours of separation.
they never let you down..they are constant..fixed..predestined!!

but im not exactly comfortable with everything being predestined either, am i??

rainbows make me jittery.
people tell me that walking on them is fun..they make you feel very happy..happy from within..and then sometimes, if you are lucky, you might even reach the pot of gold at the end.
luck...funny word!!
that changes too doesn't it?

why do all things have to change?
why does everything that makes you happy follow the norm of change!?
colours change...
smiles change..
reasons change...
people change...
emotions, feelings, friendships, love..everything..everything changes!!

memories never change...i like memories!
they are wonderful and they never change...
the past is over..it is not capable of change..is that why, i keep reminiscing over it?
is that what makes nostalgia feel so dear--because memories never change?
they stay exactly how they were--intact..precious!!
the montage of memories keeps building up but never changes.
they keep getting better with time--older and better..they are exceptions to the rule of change...
i like exceptions!!

probably that doesn't change too..or does it?
we'd never know for sure anyway would we?!!
why do we keep fighting it then?
maybe im destined to live with the constants and run away from the variables while im still ahead...while they still haven't changed to something unimaginable which i've gotten to know they have the potential of changing into..
but wouldn't the variable think i've changed then??
I--the constant who ran away...

so then what does that really make me?
a constant to a constant..and a variable to a variable?
a selfish soul who is afraid of getting hurt by change she wouldn't be able to handle or just a human using her skills of self defence at the first warning of change?
are you confused?
afraid you would never be able to figure me out?
feel like i am not making any sense??

i talk in riddles..
my words are cryptic at times...
so are my thoughts--they dont always mean what you make out of them..
at times, i want you to figure me out and yet sometimes im happy you haven't..
perhaps, that is my way of knowing the keepers from the quitters..the constants from the variables..of understanding who will stay till the end...of realising when to leave before im left...

everything eventually ends...
sometimes it happens gradually and you dont even realise when...
some things are made to end...some final blows have to be accepted no matter how hard they hurt..
some ends are a relief..
some are new beginnings..
and some..some are just what they seem to make us feel---inevitable-dead--ends!!

yeah i need to stop..
this post needs to stop..
but these thoughts??
they do not...the mind has no rest..
some thoughts just refuse to leave!

and im sure you, who are still trying to make sense out of this string of thoughts are already muttering the who-has-the-time-to-figure-her-out?-as-if-i-care! monologue..

but that exactly my dear, is where you might have missed the point!! :)

cryptic thoughts #19

there is not much of a difference between love and madness is there?

you keep denying it and it keeps harassing you...
but when you finally acknowledge it, you find yourself already discharged from the asylum! ;P

...jaane kyon log pyaar karte hain...