In life we are often faced with situations when yes seems to be the only answer. Sometimes it feels like we have no other choice than to say yes to something or someone. Either out of choice or out of circumstance we are forced to say yes despite our will.
Maybe we are left to believe that saying no will hurt the other person involved or will make seem rude or petulant, harm our image in the eyes of others, and that is something that we do not want.
Times like these, we need to remind ourselves that it is not wrong to prioritize oneself , that self-preservation is of utmost importance, and that in order to help others, we must first become capable of helping our own self.
And for that we need to learn one very important thing; when to say ‘No’.
Just like ‘Yes’, the word ‘No’ also has a deeper psychological impact on our psyche. Saying 'No' can be responsible for some of the best (when uttered sensibly and judiciously) and worst (when left unsaid out of compulsion/obligation) decisions.
Challenges of saying No :
For most of us, saying ‘No’ isn’t easy. There are may be different reasons binding us down, reasons that are best known only to the self. I won't attempt getting into specifics as each person is different and so is their psyche.
But broadly speaking, here is a list of reasons why we generally find saying ‘No’ difficult and how to overcome them.
1) As children, being considerate towards others is often so ingrained into us that keeping ourselves first feels like a selfish thing to do. The fear of being deemed rude or impolite often stops us from saying what we feel. There is no denying that being compassionate is a good thing, but there also needs to be a healthy balance between our own needs and those of others.
2) In today’s fast paced life, it is quite common to experience FOMO, because if which we often tend to bite more than we can chew, take up more commitments than we can handle. Until one day, it takes a toll on our physical and mental health. Experiencing burn out, physical exhaustion, frustration, and mood swings then becomes a common occurrence. Knowing when to say ‘no’ is an important social skill we all need to practice. We need to realize that we cannot do everything in a day. Instead of FOMO, we must learn to embrace JOMO (Joy Of Missing Out), learn to stop and smell the flowers. Only then we will be able to appreciate the journey.
3) Saying No is a way to preserve our self-respect and self-worth. Would you rather be acknowledged as someone who leaves everything half finished than someone who takes up a only few things but reaches them to fruition? Think about it.
Having said that, saying no is never going to be easy. However, a little tact and social courtesy can go a long way.
A few things one ought to remember while saying ‘No’:
1) Your intention should be understood.
Providing a little context always helps cushion the hurt. But you do not need to justify your decision, especially if you feel someone is taking advantage of you.
2) Over explaining may lead to lengthy pointless conversations which you are better off avoiding. So provide just enough context for the person not to feel offended. And keep in mind that not everyone can handle a rejection well (no matter how nicely you frame it), and it’s okay.
3) Consider all possibilities before arriving at a decision. Take your time to think things through.
4) Be assertive while expressing your decision. Stick to your priorities and do so with confidence. If you yourself are wishy-washy about what you want, you can well be taken for a ride.
5) Being considerate is important. But so is being straightforward . Be direct in your approach.
6) Be respectful but do not bend. Set your own limits and do not allow anyone to cross them.
How to know when to say ‘No’:
Saying no is usually instinctual. One should listen to their conscience…that tiny inner voice which keeps us in check. If things ‘feel’ wrong they probably are.
However, there is need to politely decline an offer even when it feels right..eg: when you are swamped with pending work and are offered another lucrative project.
In such cases, it is best to complete the task at hand before taking on another task.
But how do we know when to stop?
One effective method is this:
Work out your availability time , if the time you have available in a day. Then, half it. Now, prepare that with what you ‘need’ to get done.
If you still have time left after this, you can consider taking up another task.
The rule of thumb to maintain a healthy balance is to start small. And leave sufficient time to rest.
Because as the popular saying goes; “All work and no play…”
Despite implementing all these measures, you still experience a serious problem saying no, there is no shame in doing a practice run with a friend or a therapist. Saying ‘no’ is often underrated. But one should never forget that the right choice is the one that works best in your interest. You cannot please everyone, not at the cost of feeling resentful or stressed out. If you ever have to choose between your peace of mind and anything else in the world, you know what to do; choose the former.
I wish you well, with my favorite words of the serenity prayer.
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This post is part of Blogchatter’s CauseAChatter.
