#CauseaChatter: Learn to say 'No'

In life we are often faced with situations when yes seems to be the only answer. Sometimes it feels like we have no other choice than to say yes to something or someone. Either out of choice or out of circumstance we are forced to say yes despite our will. 

Maybe we are left to believe that saying no will hurt the other person involved or will make seem rude or petulant, harm our image in the eyes of others, and that is  something that we do not want.

Times like these, we need to remind ourselves that it is not wrong to prioritize oneself , that self-preservation is of utmost importance, and that in order to help others, we must first become capable of helping our own self.

And for that we need to learn one very important thing; when to say ‘No’.

Just like ‘Yes’, the word ‘No’ also has a deeper  psychological impact on our psyche. Saying 'No' can be responsible for some of the best (when uttered sensibly and  judiciously) and worst (when left unsaid out of compulsion/obligation) decisions. 

Challenges of saying No :

For most of us, saying ‘No’ isn’t easy. There are may be different reasons binding us down, reasons that are best known only to the self. I won't attempt getting into specifics as each person is different and so is their psyche. 

But broadly speaking,  here is a list of reasons why we generally find saying ‘No’ difficult and how to overcome them. 

1) As children, being  considerate towards others is often so ingrained into us that  keeping ourselves first feels like a selfish thing to do. The fear of being deemed rude or impolite often stops us from saying what we feel. There is no denying that being   compassionate is a good thing, but there also needs to be a  healthy balance between our own needs and those of others. 

2) In today’s fast paced life, it is quite  common to experience FOMO, because if which we often tend to  bite more than we can chew, take up more commitments than we can handle. Until one day, it takes a toll on our physical and mental health. Experiencing burn out, physical exhaustion, frustration, and mood swings then becomes a common occurrence. Knowing when to say ‘no’ is an important social skill we all need to practice. We need to realize that we cannot do everything in a day. Instead of FOMO, we must learn to embrace JOMO (Joy Of Missing Out), learn to stop and smell the flowers. Only then we will be able to  appreciate the journey. 

3) Saying No is a way to preserve our self-respect and self-worth. Would you rather be acknowledged as someone who leaves everything half finished than someone who takes up a only  few things but  reaches them to fruition? Think about it. 

Having said that, saying no is never going to be easy. However, a little tact and social courtesy can go a long way.

A few things one ought to remember while saying ‘No’: 

1) Your intention should be understood. 

Providing a little context always helps cushion the hurt. But you do not need to justify your decision, especially if you feel someone is taking advantage of you.

2) Over explaining may lead to lengthy pointless  conversations which you are better off avoiding. So provide just enough context for the person not to feel offended. And keep in mind that not everyone can handle a rejection well (no matter how nicely you frame it), and it’s okay. 

3) Consider all possibilities before arriving at a decision. Take your time to think things through. 

4) Be assertive while expressing your decision. Stick to your priorities and do so with confidence. If you yourself are wishy-washy about what you want, you can well be  taken for a ride.  

5) Being considerate is important. But so is being straightforward . Be direct in your approach.

6) Be respectful but do not bend. Set your own limits and do not allow anyone to cross them.

How to know when to say ‘No’:

Saying no is usually instinctual. One should listen to their conscience…that tiny inner voice which keeps us in check. If things ‘feel’ wrong they probably are.

However, there is need to politely decline an offer even when it feels right..eg: when you are swamped with pending work and are offered another lucrative project.

In such cases, it is best to complete the task at hand before taking on another task. 

But how do we know when to stop?

One effective method is this:

Work out your availability time , if the time you have available in a day. Then, half it. Now, prepare that with what you ‘need’ to get done. 

If you still have time left after this, you can consider taking up another task. 

The rule of thumb to maintain a healthy balance is to start small. And leave sufficient time to rest. 

Because as the popular saying goes; “All work and no play…”

Despite implementing all these measures, you still experience a  serious problem saying no, there is no shame in doing a practice run with a friend or a therapist. Saying ‘no’ is often underrated. But one should never forget that the right choice is the one that works best in your interest. You cannot please everyone, not at the cost of feeling resentful or stressed out. If you ever have to choose between your peace of mind and anything else in the world, you know what to do; choose the former. 

I wish you well, with my favorite  words of the serenity prayer.

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This post is part of Blogchatter’s CauseAChatter.

The futile search for new beginnings

Everybody wants a new beginning. We all make mistakes, big and small, and then want to start over. Turn the page. Change the course. Turn over a new leaf.

But what we are forgetting here is that there can never be a 'new' beginning. New beginnings do not exist. It is practically impossible. We will always carry with us bits of stories we have played a role in; people we have met, relations we have fostered, experiences that have enriched our lives.

So how then can we wipe the slate clean? Can we really ignore the past? Can we unfeel the things we have once felt, unsee, unhear, unthink what we have seen, heard, thought? That would be denial, wouldn't it?

What we can do instead is acknowledge our mistakes and try to rectify them as early as possible.

So this time around, how about we take all the lessons from our journey so far, old beginnings et al, review, retrospect, accept responsibility and finally take charge in order to   change the narrative of our story?

In place of the futile search for a new  beginning, why don't we try to reach a new ending...a better ending instead?

#WorldCancerDay: The faith that moves mountains

When I first read Erich Segal’s ‘Love story’, I recall weeping like a child. I was in my teens back then, naive, gullible, and high strung on love and fresh air. But even then, what was more heartbreaking than losing a lover was the idea of losing a lover to the big C or some other illness that medical science had little grasp over.

Later, as a student in medical school, I was subjected to the chemo ward of almost every department there was. I recall being startled the first time I saw a toddler in the pediatrics department writhing in pain from Hodgkin's lymphoma. He was suffering but he was fighting with every gasp in his frail body. How could such a cruel fate be dealt to such a tiny child, I thought. During internship, I was asked by the resident in charge to administer chemotherapy to a middle aged woman. It was that day that I realized that Cancer does not discriminate. It treats everyone equally, with the same lack of empathy, the same irreverence--the pain, the grief, and the challenge were the same...whether it was a six months old toddler held down by his parents or a fifty five year old woman surrounded by her husband and teenage children.

Today, there are seven deaths per minute occurring from cancer. It is the second leading cause of death in the world.

Much progress has been made in the field of cancer research and prevention. Yet, we haven’t been able to gain complete control over the disease—-it still poses to be a severe threat to the physical and mental well being of man.

A lot of us are still unaware or uninformed about this condition. Worse still, some of us misinterpret something we hear/read...and pass on these misinterpretations/ misinformation eventually leading to widespread ignorance and hysteria.

It is for this very reason that the Union of International Cancer Control have been observing the fourth of February every year (since 2000) as #WorldCancerDay to raise awareness about Cancer symptoms and to emphasize the need for its early detection through screening tests and biopsy. This year, the theme for World Cancer Day is “I am, and I will”...an acknowledgement of the strength inside every person to battle the disease.

Following is the list of symptoms one should watch out for:

• Any abnormal growth/lump anywhere in the body...especially in the breast, folds of private areas, armpits, abdomen. Regular examination of the breast while having a shower should be done by all females, irrespective of age. 

• Abdominal bloating, pain, significant & unexplained loss of appetite, significant & unexplained loss of weight, excessive fatigue.

• Bleeding in post menopausal women, excessive vaginal (foul smelling, bloody, or coloured) discharge, discharge (blood tinged or coloured) from breasts.

• In males - blood in urine or semen, painful/burning urination more at night, leaking, unsteady stream, sudden Erectile Dysfunction, urinary retention  should be investigated for prostatic malignancy.

How do we keep Cancer away? 

There are various kinds of cancers and every body reacts to it differently. There is no sure shot formula for cancer prevention or treatment. What we can do, however, is strengthen our immune system through a well balanced diet and a healthy lifestyle.

Diet:

Eating the right kind of diet is imperative for maintaining a healthy immune system. A balanced diet containing the the right amount of carbohydrates, proteins, vegetables, and fat.

Certain foods are known to possess anti cancer properties. These include...

• Apples because they contain polyphenols known for their anti cancer properties.

• Berries - contain anthrocyanin that is known to lower biomarkers for colon cancer.

• Carrots - beneficial in supporting the immune system, lowers incidence of  breast cancer and prostrate cancer.

• Freshwater fish - possesses omega-3 fatty acids prevent colorectal cancer

• Walnuts, legumes, fresh fruits, vegetables, and good fat help promote immunity and prevent cancers.

What to avoid: 

• Refined white flour and refined sugars as they tend to cause a rapid spike in insulin levels and hence cause cancer cells to proliferate. 

• Microwaveable meals, sprayed with chemicals, artificial sweeteners.

Exercise 

Exercise plays a vital role in maintaining a healthy body and mind

• Studies have shown that regular exercise tends to reduce cancer risk, esp cancer of the colon.

• It also helps allay depression, fatigue, and anxiety, that commonly occur in cancer patients.

• Improves physical capacity of the individual.

• Improves quality of life.

• Does not exacerbate lymphedema.

75 mins of vigorous aerobic exercise - walking, cycling, swimming and 2-3 resistance exercises (lifting weights) each week will help you restore physical fitness and rejuvenate the spirit.

And that is what the theme of #WorldCancerDay prompts us to do...

‘I am, and I will’ is a commitment, a promise to oneself and to those we love, an acknowledgement of the fighter within, a manifestation of courage in the face of a storm...a challenge we have undertaken with the ‘Emperor of all maladies’.

In the words of author Siddharth Mukherjee,

“Cancer is an expansionist disease. It invades through tissues, sets up colonies in hostile landscapes, seeking ‘sanctuary’ in one organ and then immigrating to another. It lives desperately, inventively, fiercely, territorially, cannily, and defensively—-at times, as if teaching us how to survive.“ 

Here’s to the human spirit...

May it grow resilient enough to face the challenges in its path and strong enough to overcome them.

Soundscapes: India 2010 - 2020

Today, take a moment to reflect; even after seventy long years of India adopting the Constitution, how much of it are we adhering to? How much of a Republic have we truly become?

I listen intently, eyes shut tight

They say my country speaks at night 

Of riots, of fires, of whispers and wails

Of how criminals can walk free on bail

While the families they have ruined

Are terrified to step out of the house at all 

My country speaks of religion and caste

Of how long consequences of each can last

When what we eat and what we say 

Bend us, break us, make us prey

To lynching by mobs, man slaughter by goons

Backed by ‘babas’ who are certified loons 

Of Ayodhya and Babri, the settlement sore 

Of Ram-Rahim feeling they each deserved more 

Of fishing for votes by claiming Hanuman Dalit

And pampering the likes of Mehul, Mallya, and Lalit 

Who after feeding on public naiveté

Like hungry vultures 

Transform into sea gulls and circle foreign shores

My country talks of wedding extravagance and a royal guest list

And while the common man clenches his tired fist

Antilia grows another storey

While some other stories are silenced

On Twitter, at weddings, amidst crowded streets

And sometimes in the veranda of their own homes

‘It was a heart attack. He couldn’t make it to the hospital’

‘Go to Pakistan! Anti national!’

‘She deserved the bullet, she was too rational’

Intolerance, fabrication, pushing blame 

Appropriation of an innocent’s name 

My country talks of emotional hypocrisy 

It scoffs when I say it’s still a democracy

CAA, NRC it points out to me 

And asks if I still believe it is free

Free to call its children its own 

Free to embrace love and love alone

From afar, a blood curdling scream

Pierces the silence, and disrupts my dream

My eyes fly open, I see them fight

I know now why my country can’t sleep at night 

© Priyanka Naik

Writer's note: 

I am aware today is the 26th of January and our patriotism is at its zenith. I am also aware my poem 'Soundscapes' might seem like a gulp of bitter medicine to some, difficult to swallow. However, I have never been the one to sugar coat things. And so it stands...start, brutal reality. Right in front of you in print. Recap of the decade gone by in poetic verse. Who said poetry was for the faint hearted?

“This post is a part of ‘DECADE Blog Hop’ #DecadeHop organized by #RRxMM Rashi Roy and Manas Mukul. The Event is sponsored by Glo and co-sponsored by Beyond The Box, Wedding Clap, The Colaba Store and Sanity Daily in association with authors Piyusha Vir and Richa S Mukherjee”

It was this decade hop that made me delve on all that we experienced together as a nation in the past decade. Initially, I wanted to write about all that India had achieved in the past decade (of course there was the Commonwealth Games, launch of the MoM - Mangalyaan operation, Scrapping of article 377, eradication of polio etc), but as I continued to jot down all that had happened year after year in the decade, I realized there was, spontaneously and unintentionally, a much longer list forming. A list of atrocities India was subjected to. A list of calamities it had faced. A list of struggles it had endured, of discrimination it had suffered, A list that could only make my head hang in shame. 

Even right now, as you're reading this, the situation in our country is fraught with tension and strife. Dirty politics, blame games, smothering of the truth, media games.

As much as I tried to include the ‘good’ the decade had shown us, the terrible that we had to witness screamed out at me, as if it was India saying ‘Don’t you dare cushion the blow I had to suffer.’ 

And that is precisely how my poem 'Soundscapes' came to be written... 

as a response to the innumerable sleepless nights and anxious days we faced together.

as a voice to awaken those who are asleep, oblivious of the struggle the less privileged are facing.

as a reminder of all that we fought and survived (and sometimes succumbed to).

You, who snore tonight, India is awake, struggling, sobbing, crying, protesting...but nevertheless, hoping. Still hoping. Forever hoping...

For a new tomorrow...

where we will regain all that we have lost, that India will truly become a sovereign democratic republic, and secure to all its citizens Justice; social, economic, and political; Liberty of thought, expression, belief, faith, and worship; Equality of status and of opportunity; and to promote among them all Fraternity assuring the dignity of the individual and the unity of the nation.

On that note, I remain... 

Worried yet hopeful, 

An Indian