got any answers???

that is how the age old saying goes....


but what would u think it is if that someone returns everytime only to go away again?

P.S: u can forget about the gift now ;)

heres wishing one of my bestest blogger buddies sidhant a very very happy birthday and a wonderful year ahead....
he dosent haunt blogsville as much anymore...he even pretends to be too busy at times doing i-dunno-what...but neverthless here's to a great aatma (just so that it dosent find another reason to 'bhatkofy')
i always complained that i found sidhant to be one of those cold unemotional beings....oh yeah, nothing has changed...i still see him as one! :D
but needless to say he is one person who can create magic with his words....when i dint know him all that well and when sidhant was 'sid' of the blogworld, i used to often imagine how this guy would be for real....each of his posts brought about a special emotion....created a certain magic wch lingered long enough for me to revel in it...
and then finally the curiosity got the better of me and we got to know each other better...

so even though we have not met yet, we do know that we share a special bond which come what may will remain with us forever--together or apart.....

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SID! :)

ahem!!

to all the single ladies out here----
what would u say if 'pappu' proposed to you??

to all the single ledas---
how would u feel if u were 'pappu'??

(P.S: those naive and innocent souls who arnt yet bollywood-stricken and are oblivious of 'pappu' , please turn on your speakers before answering the question.....)

'schizophrenia'---a truth scarier than fiction.....

gayatri felt all alone---once again...
she felt the four walls of her plush house closing in on her as she sat on the bedroom floor sobbing...
it was just that morning that she had woken up in the arms of her husband amit...as he played with her hair he had kissed her goodmorning and told her to stay in bed as he made breakfast...
gayatri felt she was the luckiest woman on earth to have been married to sucha loving man...
she hurridly took the breakfast tray from amit...being from a conservative background her mother had reminded her never to allow her husband in the kitchen...
"he is the breadwinner and ur supposed to take care of the house..dont try to exchange roles and ul always be happy' she remembered her mothers words at the time of her marriage...
It was only because of this that gayatri, who had persued her MA honours had suppressed her desire to work as an independent woman...
the duty of being a 'perfect housewife' had been ingrained in her ever since she could remember...
she remembered her dad bidding her goodbye on her wedding day...as expected he hardly had tears in his eyes...

in a way, gayatri was glad she was leaving...she had always felt unloved at her parents house...
and amit...he cared soo much......atleast thats what she thought till a whole 2 months of marriage...
untill that day...
gayatri was alone in the kitchen cooking when the doorbell rang...
"who's it?" she asked as she reminded herself to tell amit to get an eyehole fitted to the main door...it was dangerous where they lived...with the only neighbour moving out soon...
"OPEN THE DOOR" shouted amit...

relieved it was amit, gayatri smiled...he had forgotten to kiss her goodbye as he left for office today...
she blushed as she adjusted her hair and dusted off the dough from her hands...
but when she opeed the door, standing before her was a total stranger...there was a strange expression in his bloodshot eyes which scared gayatri...he pushed the door open and forced himself into the house...

"who are u romancing with, u bitch?" he screamed "what took u soo long to answer?"
she kept staring at him not knowing what to say...the person she saw was a total stranger...yet he looked and sounded just like..........'amit'?????
before gayatri could collect her senses, he dragged her by the hand into the bedroom, constantly abusing her on the way...
his eyes kept wandering in different corners of the house asif...he was searching...for something...for someone!!

"please stop this...ur hurting me" were the only words gayatri could utter in the shocked state of mind she was in...
her world was crashing down...bit by bit...
the one man who cared soo much about her---what had come over him???

" i KNOW ur trying to kill me...u want to run away dont u? i saw u smiling at anand the other day...
and i know u tell everyone im crazy...u think im mad dont u...u b***h"
he flung her on the bed...
"whats wrong with u?" trembled gayatri..."what are u saying? who is anand?"
his words were spinning in her mind...she couldent comprehend what he was saying...
the next thing she knew was he was groping her all over as he ripped her clothes open and raped her for the next 45 minutes...

paying a deaf ear to gayatris screams, he continued raping her mercilessly...
it was only when the neighbour got back, that he heard gayatri screaming and got help...
gayatri lay almost lifeless on the bed as 4 health personneles physically restrained amit who was still violently screaming abuses...her marriage had turned into that one big disaster she had never imagined it could turn into....



amit is an old case of paranoid schizophrenia and has been receiving treatment since the last 20 years...he keeps suffering from delusions and auditary hallucinations...
'anand' does not exist at all...he is just a permanent entity in amits mind...and is the basis for all the delusions of infidelity he suffers from...
gayatri was badly traumatised by this incident and it took her a very long time to recover..both physically as well as emotionally...

the mistake on his part (apart from the one that he kept it a secret from the girl he was marrying) is that he thought he was improving and stopped all medication since the last 2 months...
the mistake on her part is that inspite of knowing that it can still happen again and again, she has still chosen to live with him...
its been 8 years for their marriage now...
and 15 relapses so far...thankfully none as severe as the blow gayatri experienced the first time...but she still ends up being brutally beaten and forced upon sometimes!

ECT and antipsychotics havent shown much improvement in his case...
and no amount of counselling has helped in her case...she just refuses to understand...to give up on the marriage!
she has accepted this bitter reality as a part of her life and tries to keep busy at work...she has taken up teaching as a career--much to the reluctance of her family who still think she should stay at home and take care of her husband...the rigid mindset some people seem to have just refuses to bend even in the worst of circumstances...
gayatri still feels that she will never be welcome in her parents house if she breaks off from this marriage...

i couldent help but awe at the brave risk she is willing to take for life...and yet i cant help but disagree with the stupidity she rationalises the situation with....
gayatri only hopes that the next time, amit's recovery phase will last longer!!


----------------------------------------------------------------------------------


P.S: had written this 'reality-inspired' piece a long time back for 'aimless banter'--a blog which was breathing only for a very brief period of time...will be transferring a few deleted posts on here since i dont write in there anymore...
take care!

something to learn from....

Got this small story in a mail....liked it very much and thought of sharing it with u guys :)

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbours to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.
As the farmer's neighbours continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon,
everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!
.
..
...
....
.....
......
........
.............
..................
......................
.........................
..............................
.................................
....................................
MORAL :
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

to the 'anony-mouse' who haunts my blog....

I had almost stopped blogging for good thanks to you....and then it struck me maybe thats exactly what u wanted....
im sure u are aware that i know who u are and im also pretty sure that u dont think too highly of me because if u did, u wouldent be back to play the same game.....
but u did...u got back...played the same game on here under the pretext of a clandestine identity and the idiot that i am, allowed you to....all over again!
Somewhere i had the hope that u would come out in the open, reveal ur identity...and so i played on silently even though i pretty much wanted to scream out questioning u straight, why u dint have the balls to come as urself....
neverthless i waited....

But realisation struck me once again....and this time it has struck me the hardest....
u know that small little voice which keeps saying that there is something more to it everytime something like this happens....yess that same small lil voice which kept telling me that u cannot be all that bad, has finally gone silent...gone dead!!
and after all these years, for the first time it has nothing to say in your favour.....

i had almost deleted my blog when another voice within me yelled and made me realise what a fool i had been and had i to stop blogging, it would just confirm that once again....
i dunno if uve realised but everytime u come to play this game, its you who's losing ur self respect (that is if u have any in the first place)

frankly speaking, this time i actually doubted if u were suffering from some serious psychological or even psychiatric problem to get a high from all this....
uve come to my blog before and we know uve always been great at mindgames...i couldent be any clearer than this....and just in case u think i hadent figured it out each time, lemme tell you for ur information that i could bet my life that it was you every single time u did that....nobody can be as spineless!
and even if im wrong, i dont give a frigging shit!!
From this moment onwards, if u ever think of playing this kinda anonymous mind game again, u'l find urself to be the only one playing....and needless to say i promise to make sure the world is right there laughing at you!!
i never imagined writing a hate post even in my wildest dreams....and that too one dedicated to you....but here i am and here it is....!!

kindly refrain from even reading my blog because hate and disgust is all that ive got remaining for you now...

as for blogging, i will NEVER let go of my passion to write....and especially not for someone soo insignificant as you (u must have understood that from the fact that it dint even take me 24 hours to realise that)...i regret that weak moment wherein i put up that impulsive 'goodbye' post...but not as much as i regret ever having known you!!

side note to everyone else who visits my blog: please do not ask me anything about this hence forth...all i can say is that pri is BACK to blogging and nothing has changed--except that shes feeling a little better and stronger!!

how much is 'too' much??

"How do you know how much is too much? Too much too soon. Too much information. Too much fun. Too much love, or too much to ask of someone? When is it all just too much for us to bear?"
---Dr Meredith Grey

Meredith asked a question and urs truly needs an answer.....
anyone??

a wedding surprise!!

Radha sat in front of the dressing mirror...she was going to meet him today...he whom her parents wanted her to marry....he whom everyone thought as the most eligible man worthy of her hand in marriage....he who she hadent ever seen but was about to spend the rest of the life with.....

she wondered if she should tell him about 'aakash'---the only guy who she had allowed to come into her life and turn it topsy-turvy....
she had met aakash on the net....thousands of mails, chat sessions and phone calls later, they had confessed they were madly in love....nobody knew their little secret though.....
living far away from home in the US, she had confided in this angel who she considered her soul mate....
savage garden's "i knew i loved u before i met you" happened to be their favourite song back then...

but gradually things changed....it was the fateful night of december 29th that radha realised that aakash was nothing but a stranger who had toyed with her feelings....
All of a sudden he did not have the time to chat anymore...he changed his cell number....mails to him started bouncing back....
it was then that she realised that for three long years, she was being fooled......fooled by some cassanova in cyberspace whom she had trusted and given her heart too......and apparently had left without any valid explanation....
---------------------------------------------------------

today, she was getting married....married to someone she hadent met...her parents had arranged everything for her and she had let them....she had returned just 5 days back, to india after trying to fight with the ghosts of her past....and she still wasent sure if they had been exorcised....

she remembered she had blindly agreed when they had told her about alok---a software professional in delhi...
her parents were happy...she was happy that they were happy...and most importantly she was angry...angry at aakash...angry at herself for letting herself trust aakash...and probably this was just her way of getting back...getting even...
'at what?? with what??' she often had asked herself...but she found herself with no answer...
but one thing was certain---she dint believe in her decisions anymore!!
akash was the first and last guy she had trusted on her own and that incident had left her scarred for life.....
'nothing can hurt more than this' she thought....
her parents had persuaded her to speak to alok but radha had plain refused...speaking to him would plain remind her of those times with aakash...she dint want to go through the 'long hours on phone' routine again...not with the person she was marrying..not with anyone!!
alok had agreed...though he found it a little strange at first, that radha refused to speak...but he was too floored by her pics to notice...and then again, the idea of an arranged marriage wherein he hardly knows the bride kinda enchanted him...the whole mystery element of opening up someone's life after marriage allured him...
he knew almost everything about radha and her family and he trusted their values...besides everytime he saw radhas pic, his mind stopped working...it was almost love at first sight...she was all he had imagined his bride to be!!
-------------------------------------------------------------

there were just 3 hours left for the auspicious moment...3 hours and she would have to start a new life....

radha decided that she would finally leave 'akash' behind....it was high time she moved on...and she did not want alok to suffer because of some emotional baggage which she could never leave behind....
she decided she would never speak or think of aakash again...alok would never know about this chapter of her life she dint ever want to remember...
and then she had been able to avoid it to a great extent...she was beginning to feel the ghosts dint bother her as much anymore...
-----------------------------------------------

3 hours later she was in the wedding hall, all decked up in bridal wear...she looked beautiful and was receiving many compliments....but alok had not arrived yet....
she wondered how it would be...the first meet in the wedding hall..she thought such situations exist only in the movies....and here she was, asif living in some different era betrothed to someone she had never seen or met...purely trusting her parents decision for her...
a part of her was scared...apprehensive...what if her parents had made a wrong choice...but another part of her said that it didnot matter...she dint believe in love anymore and wasent expecting a fairytale life anyways...

and yet there was a strange curiosity as how alok would be...
she had heard he was handsome...she wished she had seen his pic her mom had emailed her in the US instead of directly hitting the 'delete' button...it dint matter...she did not need anything which even remotely reminded her of the times she shared with aakash...she had even stopped accessing her email after that...
fighting with her demons took up almost all her time......
but now in the wedding hall, she silently promised herself not to let them affect her anymore...she was thnking aout alok, the one she was going to spend her entire life with...

just then someone tapped her shoulder from behind...she turned to see her mom standing with alok...he looked handsome in the rich sherwani he was wearing...he was smiling...he looked really happy....
finally they met---on their wedding day!
"hi"
"hello"
it was weird...meeting like this...she had never imagined speaking to the man for the first time on the day of her wedding...just a few hours and she would be in his arms on her wedding bed....
radha smiled at the irony of the situation....

and just then asif like a cold gust of wind,she saw a figure hurridly approaching them....
"heyy bro,u left the gift in the car...i just went an..."
and she FROZE!!

"ohh radha this is for you" alok said handing the gift, neatly packed in pink wrapping paper with a lot of hearts and angels on it..."im not thaat good at gift shopping especially when it comes to girls..so i took help from my kid brother here...
ohh and btw meet the stud---AAKASH"
--------------------------------------------

there was a deafening silence as two pairs of eyes stared at each other....

alok turned to akash and looking at his pale face, continued "i told u she would leave u speechless"

apparently akash had returned the very same morning from bangalore where he now had moved as his job demanded...
when family had informed him about alok getting married,he was only too pleased...being busy with his job the two brothers hardly got to speak much..if people didnt know how close the two brothers were, their lack of communication could have clearly been misunderstood as indifference...
this time too, the details were skipped as had always been the case....
"leave it as a surprise bhai...il'l meet u guys directly on THE big day now" he had said teasingly when alok had asked him if he should mail him a photo...

speechless he was, akash did not understand how to react.
"when we meet, time will stand still" he remembered flirting with her.
somehow life had come to a full circle....

as for radha, life had flung yet another surprise at her...here she was on her wedding day, meeting for the first time the man she was supposed to be getting married to....

and here had walked in, 'the one' she had been emotionally married to a long long time back....