dunno why!

a happy day today it seemed,
but a strange sadness passed her by,
and amidst all that chatter shared,
she cried today, dunno why...


a silent fear, a suppressed tear,
emerges within somewhere deep,
a feelin she thought of as long gone away,
creeps up again as she silently weeps...

afraid of it catchin up with her,
tryin to engulf her once again,
afraid once more of losing her mind,
a tear rolls down, she can still feel the pain...

"it shouldent matter" tell they to her,
"but it does" she hears the small voice say,
as she tries pushin those memories-good, bad alike,
life goes on---for her a price to pay!

runnin away from it , she tries,
searching endlessly for a place to hide,
scared she is, to walk tht self-forbidden lane,
yet somehow she always finds it by her side...

ignore it, she tries soo much,
the pains not hers, she's had her share,
yet, sometimes when it leaves her alone,
a void remains,makin her realise she cares...

Its funny , the mess she is in,
"hate", "disgust", "love" all rolled in one,
fleeing everytime it crosses her mind,
though she knows had it to catch up,she'd refuse to run!

once more, she's standing there,
given a difficult choice to make,
the pleasant present or the past long gone,
so why is she still hesitant, a decision to take?...

a happy day today it seemed,
a choice made ,atleast she tried!
and amidst all the celebration there,
dunno why again she cried!


MUSIC PLAYIN ON MY MIND:

TAGGED!

ok ok! at the cost of writing this post wayyy later than the assigned deadline of 8 hrs,i hereby crown "anand" and "alohomora" as the RULERS of the universe! sigh!! kids i tell u! :p

ok as per the tag,
Tag Rules

1) Each player starts with 8 random facts/habits about themselves.

2) People who are tagged, write a blog post about their own 8 random things, and post these rules.

3) At the end of your post you need to tag 8 people and include their names. Don’t forget to leave them a comment and tell them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.

4) If you fail to do this within eight hours, you will have to acknowledge the tagger as the King of the Universe :-/

so here i go!

1)im totally addicted to the NET...be it orkut, mail or random browsing...im usually there!trying to stay away but its almost become a "u can run but u cant hide" scenario...strangely enough, even when im not around, i take solace in the fact tht i appear to be by leaving my laptop on almost all the time...i know its weird but thn most things about me are neways!

2)i have this weird habit of deleting stuff when im upset or angry...i juss go on a deleting spree...kinda like wanting to believe tht it never existed...so much as i realise , i wud never be able to wipe off certain memories, it seems like i never stop trying!probably making them all the more stronger in the attempt!

3)ok one small confession here...i gorge on a lotta sweets when im down...whoever said "chocolate was a stress food" was hell right n when im feelin blue, i sooo very much think its my duty to prove him :-/
well thts not the only reason though ...cryptic??? yess i know!
neways so next time u guys see me pampering my sweet tooth, ull know wht to assume! dont get anywhere near me, i might juss burst out crying.lol!!

4)A fact bout the person i am---I often come across as a very friendly person thanks to my incessant chatter but tht dosent neccesarily mean i consider everyone a pal!
well hav kinda gotten into many an arguements due to this.and i do regret it sometimes too.the fear of being misinterpreted gets to me many a times and then i act kinda paranoid!

5)I tend to yap a lot whn thrs sumthin on my mind and especially if tht something is affecting my mood...and then sometimes cant help being a mean scrooge...this habit of mine will catch u completely unawares at first, u wont notice it much during the conversation too n thn WHAM!! juss whn u think the conversation is goin great, i tend to get irked by the slightest of things and u wont even know the reason for the BLAST! untill its over...sigh!i know my friends reading this must be nodding in agreement! sheesh! ok guys, i admit!!sorry :(

6)I am often very impulsive at the cost of looking like a fool sometimes...
however much i hate regretting things in life, the truth is i do have my share of regrets...often try to see them in a positive light n like to believe those desicions (however impulsive) were/will turn out,for the best.but the truth is life has this uncanny way of confusing us.and just when we think we have got things sorted out, it makes us realise how messed up we are...

7)speakin of random facts,though this may sound cliched to the sane mind (ofcourse)I feel utterly bored and useless when my friends discuss "whose wife eloped with the newspaper boy" (they still do tht dont they??)scenes from ekta kapoors latest soap ...NEVER manage to keep track of those soaps (blame it on my hectic schedule and satisfied existance with my laptop)...would prefer a movie anyday.

8) and last but not the least,speaking of movies, can NEVER and have NEVER entered a movie hall without my own popcorn tub...and yess am EXTREMELY possesive about it (juss like everything i love)and wouldent share it with anyone --even if thr was a person next to me choking n breathing his last and all it wud take to save him was one measely pop of a corn :p...lol!!call me mean! i dont care anymore...

there! jobs done..it wasent soo difficult was it? thought it would be cos was beginnin to feel i hardly know myself these days...
sometimes i feel im staring at a stranger in the lookin glass...ok ok lets not get into tht...maybe more about the "stranger" in another post.:)
well now to tag ppl, i guess by this time most of the blogworld must have alrady taken up this tag...
so as usual, i tag whoever wants to be tagged.

till we meet again!


MUSIC PLAYING ON MY MIND:


surprised with the track ??..well.. thts me! ull never get to know whts playin on my mind unless i tell u...

LOVE U TOO MUCH...

One of the most beautiful songs ive ever heard...n its very true!
When you really love someone very much, you simply cant go on just being "FRIENDS"...
Its real ironic how love always starts off as friendship and thn comes a time whn the friendship ends ...sometimes is made to end :)

Have tried puttin the song clip here.
So here goes...
the lyrics are simply amazing!
.
..
...
....
.....
......

MY MOOD FOR NOW...(the poems not original but the mood is :) )

better! been afebrile for two hours at a stretch now for the first time in 4 days :)

whattt???
that IS an achievement. n guess how im celebrating??lol!! by being online.
neways off for now.shudent overdo it :)

103.6 degrees fahrenheit yest and it kept increasing...been spiking all day.
makes me yet wonder if il'l survive this one :)
(lol!! ok ok seems like me at my dramatic best whn im not well)

ciao! till we meet again...

A "GENUINE" WORLD

Once upon a time, in a far away land thr lived a girl who used to always hate herself for believing the wrong people...she always complained bout takin things farr too seriously sometimes..much seriously than they r supposed to be taken.
thanks to gods grace and some stronger force lookin upon her she managed to realise almost always before things got too hurting.but yes, ALMOST always :)
SHE always liked to believe tht the world is a beautiful place, full of beautiful n honest ppl...ppl who never cheat, lie, betray trust...ppl who stand by wht they say, mean wht they claim and live upto their promises.
But the sadistic bitch tht life was, wanted to teach her a few lessons of its own...wanted to break her illusion in the worst possible manner...and it did!
It had its own ways to do so, ways tht SHE hadent even imagined ...one big blow was all it took for her to shatter and as she realised tht words can lie, ppl can fib, dirty mind games can be played and feelings can be mocked at, she also realised tht the world wasent as beautiful a place as she'd imagined...
so SHE decided to get bakk...she decided to change the world.decided to make it a beautiful place, atleast she could try...try to make it more like the world she had imagined...more like the world she wanted it to be...so she went on being good to ppl, making new friends, spreading smiles and joy all over in her small lil ways...
All she hoped was gettin bout makin ppl around her worthy of being trusted, so tht she could prove life wrong...could prove tht she was right afterall and tht she had won!
It was a tough ordeal and she had to emerge victorious...thts wht she had decided.everytime she felt like quitting , she wud remember how much she had gone through to get over things, to come to terms with reality, to deal with the various shades of human nature she had seen .She knew how tough it is to get beyond all the hurt and everytime she remembered wht she had been through, she used to hate life all the more for makin her realise the harsh wrath of reality...and stronger became her urge to make the world more trustworthy. a small beautiful world of her own whr noone would have the need to fib, noone wud cheat, and noone wud ever make promises wch would be broken...she dreamt of a world where nobody wud lie to anybody .nobody would play with feelings...whr emotions would be true.and those expressed would be the only ones wch were felt.
She realised it wasent possible to change the whole world but she had decided tht she would atleast change HER world...would include only those ppl who were capable of being trustworthy, who could be trusted, who wud never break promises, ...a world of true emotions, sincere feelings and pleaaant memories... a world whr all the bitter experiences could be put aside never to be remembered again.
She now made friends with caution, stayed away frm ppl she dint feel she could trust, tried and tested her friendships and became very selective about ppl and things in her life.
At times she felt all the trouble was futile and tht she should give up cos no matter wht, she couldent change ppl...and it wss too difficult to search for "genuine" emotions amidst a crowd of lies, fibs, false hopes and feelings...but yet she went on...somethin in her told her it was worth the effort .atleast she wouldent feel cheated again...she would know the right frm the wrong...she went on makin friends, knowing ppl, tryin to understand thm and as she extended a hand of friendship with everyone she met, she knew exactly whom to stay a safe distance frm..
But something was changing...wht was?? she wondered..she couldent understand...
as the days went by the search went on...new members were added to her small lil world .her true world of "genuine" ppl...others were strictly kept away, though not many could realise wch side of the door they were .SHE was smart enough never to let thm know...only she knew...but something was changing.wht was???...she kept confirming...by now her world was full of tried n tested friendships, true emotions, ppl who loved her, cared for her and would never give up on her...but something had changed!...
She wasent convinced...she kept doubting their intentions.their feelings...in her search for "genuine emotions" she had lost out on trust...soon she realised tht she couldent trust anyone nemore...not even the genuine ppl in her beautiful world..not even the ppl who claimed to care , to love her , the friends whom she had tried and tested, the ones who had stood up for her whtsoever...the ones who would never want to see her sad.and even the ones who had turned their back on the whole wide world to enter this small lil "genuine" world SHE had created...
She wept as she realised life had played yet anothr dirty trick on her...in her quest for genuine feelings, she had lost herself as a person...she had lost the ability to trust ppl..she had CHANGED!...she was afraid of promises, she couldent believe words anymore..everythin seemed fake-even in her "genuine" world wch she was soo proud of...she realised tht one blow frm life was all it took n though she thot she had survived it all, the aftereffects were showin up now...
She cried silently as she realised how hurt the ppl who really cared felt at this...she wanted to believe they cared but somewhr thr was a lurking doubt questioning the sincerity of their feelings...and SHE thought it juss wasent fair to carry furher with stupid doubts tagging along whrever she went...
somewhere down the line, she got hurt and now she realised tht every feeling expressed to her after tht would have to pay the price!
She smiled to herself as she remembered how she wanted life to change the world around her...how she hoped ppl could be more trustworthy
well life did change something---it changed HER!!!

COMEBACK TAG! :)

Realised tht ive been neglectin my blog quite a bit these days...
Life has been busy...but thn as they say, whn life gets too busy, tk the time to stop a while and say hi...it matters , it counts! and thn again its juss not me to stop thinking, forming opinions,raising doubts and wondering about the ironies tht life has to offer...neither is it pri to stop appreciating life despite all the odds...
So as long as il'l think, il'l write and as long as iil'l live , the thought process goes on...though perhaps interspersed with a lotta pauses due to sheer lack of time , not thoughts ! :)
Anyways , to get back into blogging mode, wht better way there is than to tk up a tag juss to go with the flow as of now!

so here goes, though noone has tagged me in particular, i prefer to tag myself :)
(tag courtesy--- chands blog)

1.PICK OUT A SCAR U HAVE AND EXPLAIN HOW U GOT IT.
well , thr is this scar i have on my left leg,juss below my knee...i still remember how i got it.i was barely 7 at tht time, a mischievous kid.always roaming around.jumping about.gave my mom a tough time.heehee...always experimenting new things...n thr was this one time whn we put up a new swing at home--the kind u hang frm the ceiling...n the brat tht i was, inspite of my moms repeated warnings to stay away frm it cos it wasent too strongly put up, paid a deaf ear to her n attempted!
slow at first, the speed at wch i started swaying gradually kept increasing along with my confidence tht i was light enough for the swing to sustain...
and in my zeal and overconfidence, i dint even realise tht the chain had given wayy n i came crashing to the ground --swing and all!whoaa!!it was at quite a height and the next thing i remember is me on the floor badly bruised...the hurt healed with time ...all but this one scar thanks to tht stupid mud vase a piece of wch splinted n caused the damage as i came crashing to the floor :(
whoaa! tht horrendous incident put me off swings for a while...n even now i make it a point to test swings by lettin atleast 5 ppl use it before i do...heehee

2.WHAT IS ON THE WALLS IN YOUR ROOM?
there is this poster wch says "worlds messiest room award" wch i take gr8 pride in showin off...also thrs another one on the wall in the connecting passage wch happens to be a part of my room pointing out the rules n regulatins ppl need to follow whn they set foot in my humble abode :p...
mmmm...nothin much thr..i like to keep my walls clean u see..so no scribbles n scrawls for me! ;p

3.WHAT DOES YOUR PHONE LOOK LIKE?
err! good this question reached me now whn ive juss given up my "jaago india jaago" wala embarressin cell phone ..well rite now im using my dads old 6220nokia but this juss a transitional phone...heehee...im plannin on gettin a new one by this months end WITH MY PAY ...so dont expect anythin gr8...hmpf..thinkin of goin for a moto slim one...tht fits my budget! *hiding my face*:-/

4.WHAT MUSIC DO U LISTEN TO?
GOOD music...actually tht depeds entirely on my mood or rather mood swings...heehee
it varies frm softrock to pop to jazz to old hindi melodies...no hard rock for me though.---gives me a headache :-/

5.WHAT IS YOUR CURRENT DESKTOP PICTURE?
its this girl standing on the shore n lookin at the waves...somehow the picture manages to evoke a strange kinda serenity inspite of the sea being soo rough :)

6.WHAT DO U WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING RIGHT NOW?
want it to RAIN! the crazy heats killing me...its almost june n no signs of rain yet :-/

7.DO U BELIEVE IN GAY MARRIAGES??
well, dont really...but thn not the one to object to it...i believe in freedom to live your life the way u want it...if u r gay , its ur choice.i or noone for tht matter can have a say in it...

8.WHAT TIME WERE U BORN?
hmm time whn the gods decided to do earth a favour ..:p
it was sometime after 10pm ...my mom says it was raining like crazy...i believe it was the angels crying on my departure frm the heavenly abode...though my di keeps insisting it was othrwise...according to her they were overjoyed-khushi ke aansoo...hmpf! i told ya pathetic sense of humour :-/

9.ARE YOUR PARENTS STILL TOGETHER?
OFCOURSE! inseperable---they were , are and always will be a team--lol!!-forever conspiring against me!!! yeah yeah---for my betterment they say :-/


10.WHAT ARE U LISTENIN TO?
"musu musu haasi" from the movie-pyaar mein kabhi kabhi...:)


11.DO U GET SCARED OF THE DARK?
yes sometimes...esp whn im alone! :-/

12.THE LAST PERSON TO MAKE U CRY?
why do u wanna know tht? i dont want any apologies...

13.WHAT IS YOUR FAV PERFUME/COLOGNE??
mmmm...lemme see...my favs are chanelno5,isseymiyake, poeme etc etc.
perfumes are supposed to be a girls 2nd best friend ;p...heehee

14.WHAT KINDA HAIR/EYE COLOUR DO U LIKE ON THE OPPOSITE SEX?
well eyes, i like guys with soft smiling eyes...that i would notice more than the colour :)
n bout hair colour...ne colour except grey or streaked..lol!! mebe black or dark brown---like it plain n simple...no artificiality please! :p


15.DO U LIKE PAIN KILLERS??
if they actually help kill the pain---yes why not??/


16.ARE U TOO SHY TO ASK SOMEONE OUT?
well, mite sound dumb in this womans era n stuff but yess...i would still want the guy to tk the initiative :)

17.FAV PIZZA TOPPING
mushroom n paneer, golden corn or better still PLAIN cheese...hate olives

18.IF U COULD EAT ANYTHIN RITE NOW, WHT WUD IT BE?
ive juss had my lunch n am stuffed...so cant think of food for the next 4 hrs at least :p

19.WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON U MADE MAD?
my di , who soo very much wanted me to go watch a movie with her...n i plain declined the offer sayin i was too bored...sigh! i guess i shud've come up with a better excuse! :-/

20.IS ANYONE IN LOVE WITH U?
well, someone says he is ...i dunno!