July 25, 2010

a compromise with trust...

lies--its funny how he keeps holding on to them...
sometimes she wonders if he has forgotten what she had told him right at the beginning...that all she wanted was the truth...that all she expected from him was to never lie to her...that betrayal of trust was the only thing that could shatter her completely and break her off from him forever..

he knows how much she hated lies...he knows how much she still does!
and yet, there is something which makes him hang on to them..

chances---chances are all she keeps offering...
every lie he speaks, she smiles to herself with a tinge of sadness in her heart..'
sometimes it makes her wonder if he could be challenging her intelligence--because now he has even stopped weaving them well..
they are more of a casual yarn thrown in her face, loose at ends, torn at the seams...
and that makes her wonder what kinda fool he must be thinking her to be---a fool in love?

at times, she is afraid that she might get used to this game he is playing..this game of make believe.
she is afraid of getting so used to these lies--she fears that perhapss she wouldn't know how to handle tht truth when it comes from him..
"and frankly is it not a lie inturn when i pretend not to see through them?" she asks herself..
it is this truth that keeps her awake at night, staring at the ceiling wondering where exactly they have reached...
why is she accepting something she hates so much---just because it is now a part of him--the man she loves?

she often reasones with herself in futility that these are small little things that she is overreacting about--maybe betrayal is too huge a word for these little white lies that he keeps coming up with..
but the fact that this might be just the beginning gnaws at her mind and manages to steal whatever little peace there is remaining..

he probably realises the pain in her eyes everytime she asks him for explanations..
but what he has never realised is that everytime he thinks she believes him, it is just another chance to make things right..
a chance to start over new...
a chance he doesnt take--as he continues to defend himself with another lie that she manages to see right through and yet pretends not to---just as always...

she asks herself..because she does not have the heart to ask him this..

"you think i believe you.have blind faith in you..well, i used to!!" she mumbles to herself as she feels a sense of numbness sweep over her..

she is tired now..tired of playing the fool hoping that someday he would feel guilty and come up with the truth..that someday he would fall out of love with this game of deception that she has decided to let him play thinking he would outgrow it on his own someday..

perhaps that someday, he would realise that she knew...always knew!!


rahul said...

she shud nt giv him so many chances.
cant she see he is tking her 4 granted? :(

Dr Roshan Radhakrishnan said...

the heart wants what the heart wants.. it's ready to forgive for a long long time and for many an infidelity.. that's why it's the heart and not the mind.

Pri said...

@ all
this piece is inspired by somebody's reality.

someone, whom i am not sure whether to give credit for her sense of sacrifice for putting up with his dishonesty or call a hypocrite for knowing everything and yet showing him that she cant see through it...

sometimes love plays such mean tricks on people and makes them compromise on the very foundation of trust on which it should be based!!

Pri said...

@ rahul
i think so too..probably she will stop someday when she cant take it anymore..
everything has a limit and i think she is stretching hers way too much..
can only hope he realises how much he means to her, before its too late!

@ dr roshan
yea..i agree..the heart is very forgiving--but only upto a point..
personally, i dont think any relationship is worth a compromised belief system..what she is doing in the process, is slowly killing the trust she has in her heart for him, when instead she could just talk it out with him and sort things over..
the more she will pretend that she cannot see, the more he will continue spinning his yarns..
its true tht the relationship could end when he realises that she knows--but then tht would again be for the best, in my opinion..

but then i dunno..sometimes relationships can get really twisted---esp if you lose out on each other and still go on (which is probably what has happened in this case)

Dr Roshan Radhakrishnan said...

i really don't know what the right answer is... is she ready to move on beyond him ? Is she strong enough ? These are the first thoughts... I hope the answer is yes to both.
Because, while I did say that the heart forgives a lot.. I don't necessarily feel that is always the right pathway.
It's ok if the guy realises the sacrifice she's making and reforms... but not when he decides that she's giving him the "go ahead" signal to do as he wishes and treat her like a doormat

Pri said...

@ roshan
///It's ok if the guy realises the sacrifice she's making and reforms... but not when he decides that she's giving him the "go ahead" signal to do as he wishes and treat her like a doormat///

i TOTALLY agree with you on this! unfortunately, in most cases, the latter is true---with the exception of bollywood movies ofcors..
me thinks that its kinda wrong on her part to be so selfless--atleast for someone who keeps proving oft and on that he isnt worth it!