juss some updates--for the record...

Life continues to play games leaving me with a lot of things on my mind lately...
Its kinda weird to know someone who was always around is not around anymore and worse still is bugged with u and juss wont try to understand...
I know ive been stupid...extremely stubborn at times and adamant and strong headed for maybe a lotta wrong reasons...but i guess i stretched it a bit too far this time...
The confidence tht nobody can stay angry at me for long has been brutally proved wrong as i leave yet another message on the answerin machine...
somehow i know this time too it will go unattended...

*.*.*.*.*.*
some other issues creeping up now and thn has led me retalliating a bit too often these days...
i do realise ive got to be more patient when it comes to these...but believe me, when it comes to some ppl, patience is really a virtue...they juss keep nagging u exactly on the things u dont want to be nagged about...sigh!

*.*.*.*.*.*
Realisations have always come a bit too late as far as im concerned...but whn i eventually do realise, theres no turning back...
Its crazy but i have realised many a things in the past at the least expected of times and places...im casually walking down the stairs of the CCD with a friend while she is speaking about her dog being ill and needs to be taken to the vet and BAM!!!out of the blues i realise something wch wasent even on my mind then...
im watchin my fav tv soap and everyone around me are wondering who the serial killer who is goin on a killing spree for the past 150 episodes could be and in the middle of nowhere VOILA!! another realisation...sigh! thts how it usually goes...
dont ask me how...i dunno myself...im juss like that :-/
So it was just another boring day and i was busy doing nothing in particular whn my mom called me to help around the kitchen...and amidst all tht chopping of vegetables and the whistle of the pressure cooker, it happened yet again!
I realised something...something very important...something wch has long been creating havoc in my life..realised was and am being fooled and fooling myself for way too long and this has to stop somewhere...somehow!
and tht also made me realise tht im strong enough to see "the game once played" very cleary now...but it just dosent matter anymore..and yess there is no "probably" this time..:)

*.*.*.*.*.*

Amidst all the realisations and reflections, my career plans are finally seeming to fall in place...2 months of holidays was more than enough and i cant carry on with this "lukhagiri" any longer...
So got about giving my first interview a few days back and the good news is i got the job...yeppers!! :D...so dr pri will be joining the hospital in a few weeks time...yaa probably will miss the bindaas holiday spirit im now enjoying...but thn again "all play and no work makes jill a lazzyy girl" isnt it?

*.*.*.*.*.*


I juss heard from a good friend that one of our common friends attempted suicide...and to think we always thought he was a very happy person...
Tht made me believe juss a lil more in bollywood storylines...i dont know if i should go to see him or not...
even if i do, i dunno what to say to him...

*.*.*.*.*.*

A close pal of mine has given up on the "love of her life" juss because her parents are not agreeing to their marriage because their family astrologer told them that their "kundalis" dont match...
i dont know what to say to her too...

*.*.*.*.*.*

theres a new mall opened up and they couldent have chosen a worse time...i juss did a whole lotta shopping the past few weeks and my dad's goin to hit the roof even if i mention the "m" of "mall" now...sigh!

*.*.*.*.*.*

someone i always have been considering a very good friend has got his priorities sorted...and im happy for him...
something i had quite expected to happen finally happened.so im not surprised...sometimes expecting the worst to happen helps if and when it eventually does...makes u feel kinda prepared for it.

*.*.*.*.*.*

while some things are falling into place , some things in my life continue to fall out of place...but i know i'll have to learn to handle them...

*.*.*.*.*.*

Seems like life is busy planning surprises (like it always has)...and i bet its feeling happy everytime it leaves me speechless...
still learning to deal with them...
The worst ones though are when it makes me surprise myself most!!!

Neverthless, as the song says...


cheers!!! :)

"blogger crush" ALERT!!

Andekhi_Anjaani_Mu...

Is it possible to miss someone or rather someone's thoughts soo much that u actually wait for that person to write his/her next post and tend to get a wee bit upset if it dosent turn up?to miss someone u dont even know nor have ever seen, when that person is not around?
well i am actually going through a kinda similar weird feeling right now yet again convincing myself that im paranormal ..but sure, that has got me wondering...am i thaat crazy?? :p
Sigh! and just when pri thought she was all ready to break loose from the shackles of emotional bonding,(was plannin my next trip to the himalayas--orange garb and all) someone makes her realise that she still is an emotional fool...
Well it so happens, that however naive and gullible ppl say that is, it still hurts me real bad when i have to lose a friend ...and sometimes it hurts from within...
The feelin of a close one going away from u or being angry at u manages not only to break ur heart but also makes life feel soo very futile...but thn lets be practical...afterall its life and nobody said it would be fair!
But thn again we as humans always have and always will expect it to be and when expectations are not met and life dosent seem fair, we will cry, scream at ourselves, break glasses and swear (for the more melodramatic kinds) or resort to all kinda self inflicted torture and turn into ghosts and haunt ppl who we love and cant get over (for the ram gopal verma movie fans who are recently lurving his new crap"darling".ewww...it was a horrendous experience--tht film..and worse still it had esha deol being naturally scary even whn she wasent playin ghost and isha kopikar who cant act real for nuts...the story line was crap, the acting crappier and after "aag" and"darling", RGV should be shot in the head.hmpf!)
Ok jokes apart,if u already thinking that ive finally lost my marbles to digress like that or that ive forgotten all about the so called "blogspot thingy" (though tht wudent be too much of a surprise considerin a person who has the capacity to forget her password ..sigh!),thn dont be dissapointed...il'l stop digressing here and am in a state of perfect mental balance...or err..atleast trying to be ..:p
Well thr was this person *name undisclosed*--for security reasons...security from he calling me mad if he happens to be reading this and also because i dont believe in boosting someone's ego unnecessarily...juss in case he has one of those'overinflating' kinds...and one of the most important reasons why im not disclosing his name is err , because i actually dont know it myself...juss know him by his blog handle :(
ok so this "mr blogger" has apparently managed to create some sorta magic...and all i know about him is that he is a "he"...sigh!
Now if u r imagining his blog to be one of those ultra fancy, lovely blogs with millions of readers gushing in, thn ur sadly mistaken...cos i happened to be the only one visiting him for a long long time (not soo long long actually..cos he apparently has entered the bloggin world juss around a coupla months back or so it seems...unless he is goin by some other handle somewhwre else...and thts keepin him busy....................................................................................................and me's feeling a lil insecure now :( .sigh!i told u im crazy.)
Well it so happened that "mr blogger" happened to stumble upon my blog accidently (im guessing)..and said some pretty interesting things..things wch were mentally stimulating...things wch made me sit a while and ponder on what was being said... and for the first time pri was at a loss for words...something in those one-liners left her thinking and reflecting ..there was nothin extraordinary but there was something---some chemistry wch those one-liners and not-so-one-liners had managed to evoke...
so off i went hopping to his blog...juss like a kid who's spotted a new candy store in town...on reaching there frankly speaking, i was a bit dissapointed...
it was as if the kid in the candy store suddenly discovered tht the candy store was not updated with the goodies she had expected and since it was new, the owner had hardly bothered to bring in stuff yet and there were juss a few candies (oops posts) there...i noticed tht the blog was new and i at once labelled "mr blogger" as juss another "new kid on the block"(err blog) who's enthusiasm would fade out with a post or two...let me mention here tht the posts there were nothing spectacular (nothin like the wonderful things u guys come up with)...infact they were mostly pretty plain one-liners again...but somehow i saw potential...the posts were very different from the kinda comments he posted wch implied tht the blogger was juss too plain lazy to lay out his thoughts in public and would only perhaps express his opinions when he feels he really needs to...hmmm! tht was interesting..lazy at the cost of seeming unopiniated but interesting.(ok ok ! maybe only i see it tht way...hmpf!)
so i went ahead and commented...dint expect any reply though.. cos had guessed the "new enthusiastic kid on the blog" philosophy wud hold true in this case too and this blog would wilt away...but to my utmost surprise, he BLOGGED almost immediately proving me wrong and frm thn on tht made me check his blog almost 3-4 times in a day...
He was happy to find a visitor to read his thoughts and extended a hand of friendship which i readily accepted...
This went on for around 15 days and i really enjoyed it..it was really nice commenting on his blog and getting replied to...now u guys might point out tht theres nothin gr8 in tht and thts juss blogger etiquettes...but remember me--the only person there *blush blush*...so wat-e-ver!! :o
And then all of a sudden a trip planned...me wasent around...got back...and mr blogger had vanished :(...he had not been blogging while i wasent around nor had he replied to the comments i had posted on his blog before leaving for the trip:(...
He is still not blogging...nor has he been visiting :(...poof! vanished from blogdom...without a trace..
worse still there is no means of contact...no email addie.no nothing...not tht i wud *blush blush*...tht would be embaressing and desperate and probably he would end up getting delusional and scare me away.:p BUT where in hell are good ol blogger etiquettes gone now??hmpf!!
atleast a msg.atleast a post dedicated to the readers of his blog.heehee.or atleast a parting note...ok ok--i guess im gettin dramatic now :(.but what really irked me was NO REPLIES to my comments...ohh how i juss HATTEE tht!! especially if u r someone who only me reads, and i know u dont have an enormous fan following and u know i would be coming to check if im being replied to cos i kinda tend to get possesive bout ur blog considerin im the only one frequenting it...hmpf!! (SHADDUP! and stop thinkin im being weird.:x)
So from tht blasphemous day onwards till date there has been no sign of mr blogger :( leaving me with hundreds of questions probably starting with "what is thy name?" ...heehee
sigh! thts life i guess...ppl come, some stay,some go away bidding goodbye with a glorious and happy farewell, while some leave silently without even a parting note leaving u wonderin as to what happened and why they have to leave in sucha hurry...

and then again there are those who leave but never really manage to leave:).
ok thats enough! here i remind myself not to go digressing again...
so coming back to "mr blogger", it was really strange actually...
no names exchanged, no formal or informal introductions , no long hours of yapping (in fact not even short minutes :p)...just some sorta chemistry i seemed to notice through a coupla comments exchanged.u know the "i juss skipped a funny heartbeat" feeling..thats it!lol!!
I know wht u guys must be thinking...tht pri is at her dramatic best unnecessarily hyping up things...others must be thinkin "what crap...she calls that a crush..she dosent even know his name??"...and there must be still a few who would snigger and tell me he could be a 70yrold balding guy with 3 wives...and that it dosent make sense...
well thts wht a crush is supposed to be like neways, isnt it? a passing phase while u learn to grow up and get more real...so. wat-e-ver!!
err.. well ok maybe tht was a bit of a hurried "crush" label..maybe its juss curiosity afterall.but thn i still frequent his blog and leave a comment or two...juss like the kid who inspite of knowing tht the candy store she liked has shut down and might never open again, visits it still in the hope that probably one day she might get to see the friendly face of the candyman again and catch a glimpse of her fav store :) perhaps cos she has gotten used to going there...or perhaps cos she has taken a fancy to tht place... or perhaps juss for the "nostalgia" bit :)
but the kid will get tired someday and someday she will give up...and so will i..and the day is most likely somewhere in the next fortnight.lol!!.infact im almost beginnin to feel tht i was right in tht "new kid on the blog" philosophy..perhaps "mr blogger" dint prove me wrong afterall.(i should really be nominated for the "i know im always right" award)..and considerin i have said so much already, dont think he has really left me speechless too ...lol!!!
Thought i would write on this experience cos found it rather amusing myself and this virtual world has never ceased to amaze me...
it keeps springing surprises at me from time to time till the point i guess whn il'l be no longer surprised, at it and at myself...
P.S: to all my friends who keep trying to get me away from the comp, ive not totally lost it...so stop making faces and stop giving me that "u-r-neglecting-REEEEAL-ppl-who-care-for-u" crap...Because il'l keep questioning u on ur definitions of "RREEAAALL" ..so dont say i dint warn u! :D
whtsay guys?? any similar experiences? had any so called "crushes" on someone u dont know a thing about?perhaps just a conversation,the wonderful thoughts of a fellow blogger, a photograph shared or any other marvel of the net world??

would love to hear ur experiences...go ahead...dont shy away..its life afterall .we all know its a crazy trip anyways :)

cheers!!

oh, how i hate this selective amnesia!!! :( :(:(

Juss cant seem to understand whats wrong with yahoo...
and i guess after hearing this u guys juss wont seem to understand whats wrong with me?? :(
Can u believe that i actually forgot the password to both my yahoo id's (stop grinnin --both unfortunately had the same password).
and my gr8 memory who does a more than fine job at remembering totally unwanted and nonsensical things otherwise is being soo adamant that it just refuses to recollect what it could be...sigh!
Have been wrecking my brains for the last 5 days trying to configure wht i could have entered it as ...and the genius that i am, in order to make it more secure and confuse hackers(who if ever got jobless and had nothin better to do in life decided to choose my account to hack in all the world)put in some random birthdate and typed in some rubbish for the answer to my secret question...yeah yeah i know i am suffering from delusions of grandeur which suddenly make me feel im the most important person in the universe and that my emails and contacts require utmost security from being invaded by mere mortals who invest their lifetime earnings in getting professional hackers to hack into my account and get the "ohh soo valuable" information which could possibly make them the richest people on earth...sob sob!!wwwaaaahh!! :(( i HATEEE myself...what was i thinkin to do something like tht---put in a ultra secure password, a random security answer and birthdate and thn being the only person to forget all of it.
And here i am left sulking and cursing the evil eye who cast a wicked spell on my ever so reliable memory which i took great pride in bragging about :((...have tried contacting yahoo services and have actually got replies telling me to forget bout my id's , create a new account and start life afresh...sob! how mean can they get??
My family instead of consoling me had a hearty laugh whn i confided in them and spilled out my woes ...hmpf!!and my so called friends are passing mean comments on not being able to believe my stupidity and how i keep breaking my own record at it each time...hmpf!! RIGHT! with friends like these, who needs enemies?? boohoo!!
5 days of long struggle, brain wrecking, cribbing, fuming, fretting, contacting friends and asking them if they can find someone to hack my account, and receiving sorry replies like yahoo is soo universally secure, i remain irritated cribbing about these so called techno savvy, computer geeky,and just-give-me-a-minute-and-il'l-solve-any-problem-for-u smartass friends of mine, swearing to never ever awe and envy them whn they boast about knowing to hack and crack any damn account in the world..hmpf!! HORSECRAP!!
"oh great hackers of the universe...where art thou , whn i need u the most??" :((

I HEREBY HUMBLY ACCEPT DEFEAT FROM THE SECURITY OF THE YAHOO NETWORK AND THE INSECURITY OF MY WRETCHED UNRELIABLE MEMORY...HALLLPPPP!!!

I AM TAGGED...

Ive been tagged by alohomora and juss about right on time...i was almost beginnin to feel a writers block coming up...though even if it did come up it wudent last for long i presume...i believe the "writer" and "thinker" in me just refuses to stay dormant and probably ive reached a stage wherein i cant stay away from "nostalgic moments" for long...
sigh! im addicted...to nostalgic moments...to this world out here...and to all u wonderful ppl :)

so coming to the tag, here are the rules :

Rule 1. Name the person with link who tagged you.
Rule 2. Complete the questionnaire without changing the questions.
Rule 3. Tag 6 or more people...

so as i said earlier and i hereby repeat as per rule 1, ive blissfully accepted the tag by alohomora of http://kookeetail.blogspot.com fame...:D
so here goes,

1) Are you happy/ satisfied with your blog, with its content and look?
well, im happy but not completely satisfied and i believe thts wht keeps "nostalgic moments" going...the want to express myself better, the attempt to frame out the thoughts in my mind as lucidly and clearly as they are in there makes me want to write more and more.
Merging reality and imagination in a way tht noone can differentiate has always been a writers dream and i humbly continue attempting to attain the perfect balance.
Like life, blogging to me has become more of a journey and im enjoying it .exploring different spheres of thought processes, changing the look of the blog, getting ppl to reciprocate and relate to what i write and knowing their opinion about common matters makes me happy ...the day il'l be completely satisfied with what i write,il'l stop improving...and thn i guess il'l lose interest..cos i believe ,sometimes the destination is not as enchanting as the road wch takes u there...:)

2)does ur family know about your blog?
hmmm...yess they do but i dont think anyone is interested to read it..most of the time they are plain too busy..
Besides ive been writing frm since i was a kid ...the initial response i got frm family was exhilarating...they saw potential...they claimed to recognise talent...but somewhere down the line (sigh, dunno whn), they lost interest and started taking all my talents for granted ...:(( sob.snif.snif!! since thn my family wont bother to read my blog unless maybe i chain them to the chair and channel their line of vision only in the direction of the comp screen by umm mebe attaching two strips of cardboard on either side of their head and maybe remove all othr distractions frm around thm (distractions include ppl, pieces of furniture, even insects or any form of life living or dead)hmpf!!...still maybe they wud try to fall asleep...sigh!!

3)do u feel embarrassed to let your friends know about your blog or do u just consider it as a private thing?
Well, i used to go as anonymous once upon a time...infact remember having a coupla blogs i would disclose only to those i trusted very much...maybe it was the fear of being judged or perhaps wanting only a few ppl to know the real me.
but now i guess ive outgrown tht phase...most of my friends know i blog and i dont think i wud be ever embarassed by what i write or what i think for tht matter...its my take on life...my world...a bit of reality, a dash of imagination flavoured with spices of nostalgia, memories and creativity..also ive realised tht it would take much more than a blog to know me :) Neverthless if some ppl still take it as a judging criteria, go ahead...judge me! :)

4) did blogs cause positive changes in my life?
well, i guess they struck a balance...:)

5) Do you only open the blogs of those who comment on your blog or you love to go and discover more by yourself?
nope...i prefer to go and venture on my own...and thts one of the reasons i dont have a blog roll...i dont restrict myself to only those who read my blog...it does get tedious cos i sometimes plain forget links i happen to enjoy reading but thn often do a lot of bloghopping and if ive visited ur blog more than once tht means ive liked u :D

6) What does visitors counter mean to you? Do you care about putting it in your blog?
well frankly speaking i did try it once and it felt real good...it was nice to know soo many ppl stop by to read...but thn i started wondering how i dint get as many comments and lo!!enlightenment dawned and i realised tht ppl who stop at ur blog need not necessarily mean read it...they could juss stumble upon ur blog while blog hopping and pass by...kinda like visitors who accidently knock at the wrong door...forget to say sorry and silently leave. :o
so frm thn on, i stopped believing in visitor counters ...they dont really matter.sigh!!

7) did you try to imagine your fellow bloggers and give them real pictures?
no have never really imagined someone and given them a face as per my wanting..infact was juss discussing the same thing with a close friend of mine a coupla days back and he kept insisting tht ppl give u a face, potray u on the basis of what u write...he was kinda surprised to know tht i have never done tht myself and thought i was fibbing...but frankly speakin,i have never really imagined a fellow anonymous blogger...i have to admit i do form an impression as to how the person will be...but it remains restricted to an opinion...kinda a character sketch...never a face.i wouldent say im not curious...i definitely wud be if i get to know the person better...but wud never have a so called image in mind unless ive actually met u or seen ur pic :)
tht keeps me safe frm the so called dissapointment some ppl tend to experience at times whn their imagination wch depicts beauty in humongous breathtaking expectations (wch sadly enough never get about crossing the line of superficiality)is not met in reality...
As for my pics,yess i do have a coupla thm on my blog..:)

8)do u think there is a real benefit to blogging?
well, tht depends on wht u define "benefit" as...expecting monetary or materialistic benefits is not my forte.have always been taught to tk everything in life at a much deeper level than tht...
personally speaking, i believe i have benefited in terms of being able to express my ideas, vent out my feelings, give wings to my imagination and creativity ,let loose my passion for writing wch wud othrwise well be curbed amidst the monotonous life we normally live...besides blogging to me has been a positive experience thanks to the ppl and fellow bloggers ive gotten about knowing, reading and sharing views with...its really been a pleasure interacting...:)


9)do u think tht bloggers society is isolated frm real world or interacts with events?
Absolutely not...who ever thought tht bloggers are a different cult isolated from reality must be either joking or plain lost it??lol!!
Shame on thm for making us feel like some sorta social outcaste..:p
In fact i feel tht ppl who blog see more to life than most other ppl...ever wondered why we have soo much to write about??

10)does criticism annoy u or do u feel its a normal thing?
I feel its pretty normal as long as it dosent cross a limit...and thn when u point a finger at someone , u shud always remember the othr 4 pointing back at u :)
Give it only if u can take it...tht shud be the attitude!


11)do u fear some political blogs and avoid thm?
duh! havent been avoiding thm but actually speaking have not come across a single one yet...

12)did u get shocked by the arrest of some bloggers?
not any more than i wud be at the arrest of some non-bloggers for similar doings...

13)What do you like to hear? What’s the song you might like to put a link to, in your blog?
well i usually have different songs playing in my posts dependin on the mood im in...
but rite now, wud dedicate this song to all u ppl out here :)

AATE HAI CHALE JAA...

cheers to us all...to nostalgic moments...to life! :)


Finally i tag,
ashu
wacko
sam
tejas
kook
abhi
annie
keshi
and last but not the least, whoever wants to be tagged ...:)

as he comes to meet me again... :)

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HERE'S WISHING YOU ALL A VERY HAPPY GANESH CHATURTHI...
MAY THE "SUKHKARTA DUKHHARTA" THAT HE IS BRING LOADS OF LUCK,LOVE AND HAPPINESS IN YOUR LIVES FOR EVER...

WHITE NOISE

Sometimes silence can be quite expressive..
If u did not get wht i mean, try recollecting all those times in life whn all u had with u was silence and yet u felt understood...felt heard.
If u cant relate to this, thn all i got to say is u must be really lucky! :)
Sometimes these silent moments can speak volumes...and at times the situation is such tht all we are left to communicate with is this silence.
Yet it seems satisfying..cos somewhere we like to stay in the comfort tht nothing is being said..tht our thoughts arnt being read...and we r too afraid tht breaking the ice may juss break the bond...the bond wch is formed between two silent souls trying to gauge each others thoughts.
But juss as we begin to start seeking comfort amidst the silence, it suddenly starts becoming loud...it starts gettin deafening without a single word being exchanged.
Misinterpretations, misunderstandings surface up and we are left with this calm silence breaking loose and creating chaos in our heads and in our lives...
and thts whn we yearn for a spoken word...
a spoken word wch can confirm our interpretations...
a spoken word wch can break the melancholy of the silence wch has suddenly turned eerie and cold...
a spoken word wch can soothen out the chaos the once comforting silence has now transformed into.
and thts when we wonder wht exactly is more real..which exactly should we believe...the expressive silence or the deafening noise it has created?



Would we ever dare to disturb the "sounds of silence"???

"The woods are lovely, dark and deep,
but i have promises to keep,
and miles to go before i sleep,
and miles to go before i sleep"

-----robert frost

These lines by Robert Frost have always been my favourite...but somehow i juss dont seem to care about the promises anymore, juss dont care bout the miles left uncovered...the silence of the woods lures me...and im tempted to go and never return.
Dunno why...probably im juss too tired.

tired of the game...
the game between an expressed smile and a suppressed tear.

tired of the war...
the war between true feelings and fake emotions.

tired of the conflict...
the conflict between a convincing mind and a stubborn heart.

tired of the arguements...
arguements between those who care and my doubting self.

tired of my world...
my world torn apart between those i love and those who despise me.

tired of the journey ...
the journey between tht wht the world sees and wht it wants to show me.

tired of the wait...
the wait between one heartfelt smile and the next.

tired of the confusion...
the confusion between my doubts and my beliefs.

tired of this life...
this life between wht it has actually become and wht it seems to have become.



juss plain tired...!
and quitting midway is a thought...

LIFE---a journey...

Something happened today wch made me think a lot...bout the kind of person i actually am...bout the kind of person i was to start with ...and bout the kinda person ive changed into...
Was going through an old blog of mine only to realise how much ive changed and i dont necessarily mean only in a good way.
We all grow up and somewhr down the line, we all tend to miss what we used to be.Once naive enough to see the world through rose coloured glasses,life teaches us to harden ourselves by introducing us to the harsh wrath of reality...and more so at times we least expect it to...and thn we r shocked to have those rosecoloured glasses snatched away from us...but thn again thts how we learn...and since we cant do anythin about life, we decide to do something about ourselves.
While i hear some ppl crib to me tht i have changed so much, thr are still others in my life who keep frustratingly complaining tht il'l never change...
and tht makes me wonder why do ppl around want me to be the way they expect me to be..
Its easy to say "i dont expect"..whn the truth is its all about expectations...whr there is love, thr are expectations and when someone expects somethin from us, it juss means they care...care a lot...and tht is wht intimidates me at times.
It also scares me sometimes whn i dont expect likewise cos it keeps making me feel either i dont care as much or have attained "moksha"...and i know tht "salvation" is something far far away...cos im only human.
Perhaps ive juss learnt to lower my expectations only because im afraid they wont be met wch is also stupid cos thn i dont put my best in it and tht leaves me feeling i dont want it cos i dont care enough...guess im juss too messed up!and believe me i wasent always this way!
I remember wanting to get more "real" some yrs backk ...wanting to get out of my dream world.feelin dissatisfied cos used to think it was juvenile of me to not face life in a practical way..but dint realise tht probably i was trying too hard ...so hard tht life decided to give it a shot...n now im at a stage whr i find myself soo "real" tht i would give anythin to dream tht innocent way i used to...but know tht probably its impossible!
Probably have juss lost out on the capacity to dream and cant expect life to give it a shot ur way all the time isnt it? :).And wasent tht wht i always wanted??...its true they say "uve got to be careful of wht u wish for--it mite juss come true!" :)
Ive changed for sure---for the better or for the worse i dunno and ppl juss wont answer tht for me!the transition has not been easy and now tht im there, feel kinda secure about it...and tht gets me wonderin again---will i be ever able to live up to this???
A loyal friend, a trusted advisor,a personal councellor, a silent listener, a chirpy voice, a confident doctor, a understanding sister, a obedient daughter, a happy face----so many expectations!...and the guilt of not havin lived upto them , and the fear of not being able to...

Sometimes i wonder if amidst all this guilt and fear, ive forgotten to be "me"...